i havent listened to Kid A in a long time.
Doing it a lot now. by myself. in my room. very 12th grade of me.

feeling festive. feeling a little nostalgic. talked to X... long story. i feel ok.

this photo is so telling. what a dork.

went to the beach round t-giving.
it's fuckin cold.

I just wrote to an advice column asking how to get over my most recent breakup.

In being completely consumed with myself, I have of course sought out advice on how to get over a breakup from many sources.

Bartender friend: "You just need to get laid"

High School friend: "I'm thinking you're probably gonna have one more crappy relationship before you meet the right guy"

Sister: "get out of the house and do things that you enjoy"

Me to other friends: "every woman goes through the 5 stages of loss (that is basically: sadness, anger, drinking, acceptance, then ready to date again)"

I am hopeful I can get official advice to add to the list. Who knows, maybe I will actually get a response.

get prepared for a long post regarding food, work and dating. yup.

(----->here, look, i took a picture of food)

I have been crazy busy with the new job, which is good, but too busy to even have a day off, so not good.
Waiting to find a balance.

Anyway, in news according to me: i poached my first egg today. I woke up really jonzing for a poached egg and felt uncertain about how it would turn out. frankly i just don't have the patience to start over if i mess up. i aint got no day!
As it turns out, the scene in julie and julia where they can't figure out poached eggs isn't as realistic as i expected. not to brag amy adams, but i got it on my first try.
it was heavenly, as all poached eggs are. They aren't greasy, they're silky, soft and perfect on buttered toast. i don't think i'll be able to go back.
in my triumphant mood, i thought i would get all food-bloggery and document my experience with shameless photos. until i realized that i don;t have a digital camera, and taking photos of eggs with film is beyond lame and narcissistic. I Love photography. i love food. i love people who blog about food so i can read their posts and get inspired to go cook things that i didn't think were possible (see above). I just don't think i have it in me to care. above i posted a picture of my mother making meatballs. look how italian we are.

in other news, i went on a date. remember the cute guy i met at grand central several months ago when i was in the depths of my breakup despair? well, on a night out with the co-workers, i for some reason told them about GC after a few beers, and they encouraged me to send him a message. i did, because i do stupid stuff like that all the time.
lo and behold he wanted to go get a movie. so i thought what the hell, i love movies, it will be in a public place and people will be around if he tries any funny business.
turns out GC is a really nice and normal guy. We both share a love of zach galifinakis (although what guy doesnt), a will to eat locally after watching food inc, and he ordered my fav. beer before i even opened my mouth. ahh, what sweet first date magic.
In all seriousness, i have seen dates in movies where you meet up and grab a beer before the movie and then share popcorn in the theatre, and then go out for coffee after and then walk around talking. i wasn't really aware that those dates are real. well, thats exactly what happened, and frankly, i walked away smiling.
Now goes into the dreaded "should i call?" phase. i guess im gonna try and keep it cool. does anyone do the three days rule anymore?

More to come i guess.
Happy thanksgiving y'all.

i think it sucks that when your college boyfriend breaks up with you, all you get is a broken heart and old re-runs of 30 rock, while he gets to hang out with all your old friends at your old bar on a friday night.

Last night blew.

as it turns out, there aren't that many cute guys who work at REI. Yes, I went with a co-worker to REI to pick up mountain men. Except they were either hella old or female.

Maybe I am extremely biased but I can't help but wonder why there are so many awesome single girls, and so many douchey single guys? Better yet, I hung out with one of my oldest friends last night and she showed me a facebook message she received from a guy she dated 6 years ago. He said he thought of her often and wanted to reach out to her. She thought it was just... weird. At least i'm not the only one who tends to hear from boyfriends past.

My whole life I have been infected with 'when it rains it pours' syndrome.
This usually has been a shitty fact of life that I try to deal with.

In May, I got dumped in a pretty horrific fashion, graduated from college, moved back in with my parents (who live in the middle of the woods far from anyone i know), have taken up some stressful part time jobs, and went to the hospital (which later resulted in a multitude of tests, medication that makes me sick, and having to pay for health insurance). I'm leaving out the little things that really do add up, trust me i'm an expert.

Well, when you have this syndrome, the one up-side is that usually things will turn around for you one day. Maybe one day it is just really nice outside and you don't feel so miserable. Maybe a guy you have a crush on tells you that you have the nicest ass he's ever seen. maybe you discover a new hobby that makes you really really happy. Then you have a fun halloween weekend with your best friends, and after an afternoon where everything you cooked (lentils and squash with goat cheese and pumpkin bread pudding, thank you smittenkitchen) turns out just perfect you get an email saying that you got that real job you interviewed for. The job where you get to do something productive in society and feel worth-while.

Maybe i'm pre-disposed, but it seems that i experience high highs and low lows. I'm just pretty dam happy that after what feels like forever, i'm starting to reach the good parts again.

so i have a crush on my co-worker which i think is totally innocent because nothing has happened between us and im too much of a pussy to let anything happen. case in point: he invited me to a halloween party tonight and im sitting here at 8:15 in my pajama pants writing on my blog about how im lame.

i just don't really have the confidence to roll up to a party dressed in a costume by myself at a party where the only person i know is my work crush (who will prob be entertaining all his friends).

This is what i miss about college. If you have a crush on some random and he's throwing a party, you can always get your partner in crime to throw back a shot with you and go crash it. hook up or not, you know you will have a smashing time with your friend. usually the party will suck and the two of you will end up hitting up your friendly neighborhood bar to get smashed and order cheesy fries.

the great thing about the interwebs is that i still get to bitch to said partner in crime on g-chat. she's trying to get me to go. updates will be made later if i actually do. happy halloweekend kids

http://www.flickr.com/photos/48435890@N04/
so i've been keeping myself out of trouble by taking a lot of photographs with my 35mm. it's been a really fun hobby that I never knew I would enjoy as much as a do. Interestingly, i've gotten into some really happy, calm shots. trees, my family, pumpkins... It's good to find the joy in life.
There are lots of wonderful aspects to a semi-cloudy day, and i'm keen on capturing them.

I'm thinking these boots could come in handy for all sorts of fun adventures.
via s.streetstyle.

get ready...

The thing about cooking:

I love the experimentation. I love trying 5 recipes before coming up with your personal best version for yourself. Sometimes its a disaster (like when i tried to make cheddar broccoli soup from memory and with no measurements), and sometimes you actually make something work (get prepared for an epic mac and cheese recipe coming soon).

Speaking of which, I love old school jamie oliver back when he was the naked chef. i honestly used to watch the food network back when the only iron chef on was the original from japan that played every friday night. ming tsai had a show, and so did mario batali. There was none of this cutting corners crap that has overrun the network. I love to browse recipes for things, but the difficult homemade versions are hard to find (minus tyler florence, who i dream will one day come and rescue me atop a white horse and feed me his ultimate brunch menu). I digress. let's watch some naked chef.


The Nekkid Chheff s01e02
Uploaded by bluecatsuzi. - News videos from around the world.

Yes, he is cooking for his sister's bachelorette party. what a babe.

Check-it: http://www.flickr.com/photos/48435890@N04/sets/

French Toast:

-Whole Wheat Raisin Bread
-Whole Milk
-2 Eggs
-Vanilla
-nutmeg
-cinnamon
-Butter

Heat large Heavy Skillet on medium high heat with 1 pat of butter.
Beat eggs, 2 TB milk, 1 teaspoon vanilla, dash of nutmeg and dash of milk.
dip bread in egg mixture to coat both sides. let excess drip off.
cook until brown on both sides, about 2 minutes.

Serve with hot syrup, bacon and banana slices.

its about that time: every major life change i have encountered, it always gets followed up with a haircut. whats the verdict?

how short should i go?

There's nothing like watching a few episodes of hoarders on a monday night with two of your gal pals to realize that life takes work. Even further, things don't magically clean up after themselves. Par example, i have been faced with some interesting crossroads (which btw i secretly really want to see. yes the movie with britney), meaning that my personal life and my professional life have been less than stellar lately.

I can't sit back and feel sorry for myself that the someone i loved very much hurt me repeatedly. I have to help myself move on.

I also realized that my dream job wont fall into my lap just because i think that i'm qualified.

I had a horrible nightmare that i would wake up one day, 50, living at home in my hoarded mess of a life. I am not a hoarder, but the point is, i have to work at these things for any real change to happen.

so i realized that i am and always have been a little bitch. in my personal life, in my professional life... just in all aspects of life, i have continually allowed my fear of confrontation to get in the way of realizing my goals. I am determined to end that now!

I have been mulling over this two jobs situation, and considering that i am not happy, not earning a whole lot and am not receiving stellar health benefits (or any health benefits at all), there is not reason to feel guilty about quitting one of my jobs in order to pursue my dreams.

speaking of which, this evening i got a text from X. I had to talk to my friend about what to do before realizing i was again being a pussy and ignored his message.

case in point: time to just man the fuck up, because there is no need to sugar coat it for a guy who broke your heart, or for a boss you barely know.

i'mma do me. i'mma do me.

"When life gives you lemons, ask for the vodka, amiright?"

i would like to get inspired. perhaps i have talked about this before as i frequently think about it. it's a rainy day, and i'm gonna take the camera back out.

I had a complete emotional breakdown today.
Sometimes life is just... hard.

"Being 20 is a terrible thing.
There is a stillness in the air.
I see leaves rustle,
and crinkle in the stifling heat.
Hearing nothing though,
I am unable to move,
Watching them die,
While I hold the hose."

p.s. two days ago during the meditation portion of my yoga class, i burst out crying. for no reason.
or maybe i was missing X.
fuck meditation. i don't need to be alone with my thoughts for a full 5 minutes.

ugh, I am very very sick. It's my own fault for trying to work late nights and then go out after, resulting in too many sleepless nights followed by long days of work. It's been good though. Two jobs aint that bad. I'm sure after another month of this though, i will become sick of it.

The good thing about working so much/attending weekly yoga/drinking so much good wine is that I have BARELY thought of X's existence. This has been made especially easy since he had been traveling in the woods somewhere far away from me for the past month.
except....

I assume he's back because I got home from work today tired, sniffling, and changing into my PJ's when i see that in my haste to leave this morning I left my gmail up. There is one missed gchat message... from you know who.

My heart sank. Of course it was funny. of course it was a little sassy. i really don't need this now. I'm sick, i'm working odd hours, and i'm trying REALLY REALLY hard to be ok.

a few days ago, i was having a sweet catch up chat with one of one of our mutual friends. let me re-phrase this: his best friend, and one of my closest guy pals. the three of us used to hang out all the time. this mutual friend Z commented that in the world X cares about 3 people: himself, another bro from his childhood and me. I told Z I was just too exhausted with all the bullshit to be his friend right now, and it's true. The way I feel right now is how I feel about our entire relationship. If you burn the candle on both ends for so long, you will eventually come down with a temp, and wanna just fucking throw the towel in.

in conclusion, im not going to respond or send a message back. He can figure it out all by his lonesome that I need a fucking break.

The.Baddest.Bitch.In.Town

NicholasK.

some of my favorite things as of right now:

-matt and kim
-season 3 of HIMYM
-sweaters
-croissants

so for the two people who read this blog, and may be wondering... i have been doing quite well.
ive been working, drinking some vino, doing some cooking, and discovering how much i love photography ever since i made friends with the guy at the camera store who fixed my 15 year old 35mm.

i havent talked to X since he went away, and it really truly is for the best. While i do sometimes think of him, i no longer jump everytime my crackberry vibrates thinking it might be him. I can actually sleep through the night without nightmares, and ive gotten back into reading my mystery books outside in the sun. maybe i'm not in a relationship, but im finding time for myself which i havent truly done in about 3 years. it feels wonderful.

listening to my large billie holiday collection, preparing to bbq rosemary crusted shrimp skewers, drinking the coffee, and doing some gardening today.

to my lovely sister E, it was great seeing you this past weekend. i love you lots.

some photos finally got developed. i miss a dark room.

(since i don't have a camera, and my 35mm is in the shoppe for repairs, i figured the next best thing was a pic. of mario batali's crocs. via his website.)

potato croquettes, modified from 3 diff. recipes, and heckling by my mother who claims i "didn't do them like nona":

about 5 waxy yellow potatoes, peeled and cut into cubes. Boil until fork tender.
-put potatoes through a ricer into the hot pot used for boiling. Add 3 tb.'s of real butter.
-add about 1/3 cup milk, or more if needed, turn on the heat and wait until milk starts to froth.
-turn of heat, and mix well.
-add 1/2 cup grated parmegianno. stir.

let cool.

-add a large handful of thinly chopped prosciutto, small handful chopped parsley, dash of nutmeg, and a little salt and pepper
-add 1 egg
-form mixture into little patties, coating with flour. shake off excess flour.

-in a large deep pan, fill with vegetable oil until 1/4 inch high up the sides of the pan.
-fry in batches until golden brown on all sides.
-place fried patties on plate with paper towel to soak up the excess oil
-yummy. enjoy. mangia.

A gigantic tomato from my garden. i'm thinking i should eat it raw.
i've been cooking a lot. cooking to me is a mixed bag. i love it, and it makes me calm, but it is also a very emotional process. this must be from my heritage. no matter, i decided to go back to the roots. I made potato croquettes with prosciutto. yummy. however, i made too much, and spent the next day sneaking cold snacks from the fridge. Now i know why my mother doesn't make them. Also standing over a pan deep frying cheesy potatos arent exactly healthy either.

On the topic of food, I recently discovered the best thing ever at the restaurant where I work: free glass of wine at the end of your shift. It has been a life long dream to become extremely knowledgeable about wine, and so I figured this is pretty much my chance. I can taste whatever I want for free.

Now, i need to figure out how to make the fresh fig and gorgonzola pizza they make...

downloaded more beirut and matt and kim.

Paramore - The Only Exception from BAB on Vimeo.

i ended things with PG. He came over the other night, and i realized that it just was never going to work. besides the nothing in common thing, i realized i'm not ready to date.

in other news, i went to a fancy lobster dinner party, got hammered, went home and listened to this song over and over again and cried uncontrollably for an hour while writing poetry about X.
it was a complete relapse.
i drunkenly sent him an email telling him to send me postcards with cacti on them. he went to the south for a while, and i can only hope that this larger distance between us will make things better for me.
I don't have a facebook for the single reason that if i did i would spend hours looking up old boyfriends. people don't know this. they think i'm too "hip" for facebook when in reality its because im a huge sap.
i went on my friend's facebook the other night tho when she wanted to show me a funny picture of the two of us. i stumbled across a montage of photos on some mutual friend's page of X and i at school. he's kissing my cheek, i'm genuinely laughing. in the background of another photo you can see us cuddled up to each other at a party. his head is resting on my shoulder. it's been two days and i can't get that image out of my head.

besides that, i really like this music video. there's something really honest about it.

AH FASHION!
when life gets me down, i tend to spend my time looking at pretty things. It's a great distraction for a few minutes. see above. what i would LOVE to get my hands on: Long dresses, shiny hair tucked into cool coats, that freakin awesome celine bag, and of course: sheer everything. with a lacy bra to match.
via: jakandjill,lefashion

i am a "what are we" whore, and it took me last night to realize this. after i went out for drinks with PG post-work, i went home and couldn't get the friend vibe we had out of my head, so i unfortunately texted him something dumb: Are we just friends?

This poor guy was freaked out. He thought i wanted him to tell me i was his boyfriend or something of that nature. Deep down, i kinda wanted him to say: Yes, we are just friends.

He's nice, he's sweet, he's cute, blablabla... but i don't really feel anything the way i have in the past with other people (like X).

the same thing happened with a brief fling when i was at school. i was hooking up with a cute/nice/sweet guy, and out of the blue, I "What are we"'d him. It was almost like i wanted him to say it was only casual so i could get out of it. Instead, he said he liked me, and wanted to keep seeing me (read: last night's outcome). A few days later, i told him it wasn't gonna work out. i felt like an asshole. I even continued to call him a few times at late hours to see if he wanted to "watch a movie". i'm such a jerk.

So now that i have had what we call "the break-through moment", i have to play out my next steps carefully. I need to put PG into perspective. As one good friend said: Why not keep seeing him? if he's a good guy, and you enjoy his presence, it's not like you're gonna get married.

i think part of the problem is that we're not doing anything. how can you feel sparks for someone who you kiss occasionally? this is bullshit.

it's time to talk about PG. We went on another date, after i decided to stop sulking that he is down with jesus and i'm not.
It was nice.

He is the opposite of my "type". Last night i met up with him and one of my oldest girl friends for a drink. i thought it would be good if i got a second opinion. She approves of his manners, in which he is well versed. She didn't quite "get" why he is holding on to his v-card.

I love getting advice on guys from my friends because their opinions are so different from each other. When consulting the ladies on whether i should continue to see PG, one said it was doomed due to our conflicting religious views and that i should just cut the ties. The other said i shouldn't let him go! She reminded me that most guys we see are major assholes, and maybe i shouldn't be so quick to stop seeing a guy who actually treats me with... gasp... respect.

I don't want to seem so shallow, but part of my uncertainty is his incredible talent for being a cock tease. I'm not into sleeping around or anything like that, but this situation is more PG than my middle school semi-formal. And whether i like it or not, time isn't going to magically reverse and make me an angel.

Well, I unfortunately don't live in the world of MadMen, but at least I can play around with this sick app and pretend.



Honestly, this crap kept me entertained for a solid 30 minutes last night: http://www.amctv.com:80/originals/madmen/madmenyourself/

I have a friend from school who had a relationship very similarly to mine when we were in college. we were trying to deal with our crappy situations the best we could, and would talk to each other frequently about them.

i talked to her last night and she told me something amazing. apparently, her selfish ex kept trying to contact her after she told him she needed space after their breakup, and finally a few days ago, he talked to her. apparently he said he wanted to hear how she was because he cares about her so much. she didn't take the bait. instead she told me she said her life was wonderful, and there was absolutely no room in it for him and promptly hung up.

It's really hard to break the ties to someone who you think you love, even if they act like an asshole. even if you break up, you may be talking all the time, and that is the scenario that i have found myself in until recently. i finally made the decision to break my ties. I know it's not going to be easy, but if i look in the mirror and am really true to myself, it's something i just need to do.

sometimes the hardest thing to do is to stand your ground.

Via lefashion. erin wasson. yeay.
heading to a secluded beach town for the weekend with family, my 35mm camera, and a big floppy hat.
more on PG when i get back. for now i'm gonna enjoy the sunshine. just made homemade vanilla poundcake with cognac syrup.

i went on my first real date since X. This was with PG (party guy), and i actually had a good time. we stayed up talking until 1am, even though my bedtime is more like 10. he even introduced me to his parents, and made me a brownie sundae. He was sweet, and kind, and nothing like any guy I have ever dated.

needless to say, they all have "something", and PG's is that he is super religious. ok, that's fine. even though i'm not, i want to think that i am an accepting person. he tells me he's holding out until marriage (now im REALLY trying to be understanding).

i get home and receive a text from PG telling me not to mention our date to our mutual friend who's party is where we met. Why is this i ask? because the person i thought was my friend told him that since i wasn't religious, i wasn't good for PG. he was trying to "look out for his friend".

FROM WHAT!? am i the devil, the wile-y temptress, or the anti-christ?

i dont know whether to be mad at PG, my "friend", or at both. It's one thing to have your own belief system, and i would hope that no one would think of me any different because i have a different belief system from them. the most annoying part is that i actually like PG. i wanted to see him again, and now i don't think i have it in me.

ok, so party guy wants to "hang out and watch a movie" tomorrow. is this a date? I texted the birthday kid who's house is where we met to see what his deal was. a bit of recon. i'm freaked out by this, and its taken me a while to figure out why. it's cuz i havent been hit on in a million years until recently and i have no idea how the fuck to act.

our mutual friend just sent me the best reply:

"movie? slow down! you just met! coffee out!"

Amen sista. (yea, he's a dude, but he's not reading this so whatevs).

there must be something in the motherf$%&*ing water.

tonight this rugby player at a birthday party told me "i have no choice but to take you for most guy's dream girl"

this was after he asked what i was doing after the party and i replied that i am going home to watch return of the jedi.

there must be something wrong with him...

There was a big storm last night in my small new england hamlet. power has been out since yesterday afternoon, and i am currently at the public library to get my internet fix. It's quite lovely actually. It appears that the whole town has brought their laptops to the library. There are kids reading while their moms are online, the work-from-home set on business calls in the courtyard, and some 20-somethings like myself probably job hunting or updating their twitter accounts.

After the 70-mile an hour winds (i really am not exaggerating) last night, it has opened up to become one of the most beautiful days i have ever seen. The sky is crystal clear blue. Yes, this is a metaphor.

My theory about seeking happiness and love will follow has already proven to be true. I was supposed to meet up with a friend the other night for drinks at his favorite bar in our favorite city. alas, i was 5 minutes from our destination when i got a call from him saying he would be at least an hour late. no matter, i would go have that solo drink that i've always wanted to have. besides, the ball game would be playing on every screen in the surrounding 50 mile radius.

I arrived at said bar, ordered the usual vodka tonic with lime combo and settled in to watch the 6th inning. 3 minutes later, a beautiful, chiseled, brown tousled hair, v-neck sweater and suit pants wearing man asked if he could join me at the bar. i couldn't believe my luck. Said hottie had just gotten off from a long day at work, and we chatted about how we were both recent graduates, how gross the age difference was of the couple sitting next to us, and how lame we felt for individually going to this particular bar by ourselves.

Now, i RARELY, if ever give out my number to guys i meet at bars, but he was just too dam adorable. Already gotten several texts from said QT, and he wants to hang out again.

I'm not saying this will go anywhere, i'm just psyched that my luck seems to be reversing in some odd way.

It's been 2 days since i have heard from X, and i couldn't care less.

listen up: florence and the machine.


I made a decision today. I was talking to my potential travel partner, looking up flight prices and interviewed for a job today. Then i made grilled fish tacos.

I realized that i am finally ready to move on.

I am starting to feel good about myself. I needed to get out of the house, do things that make me happy, see the people who love me, and realize that i will only be ok if i believe that i am worth putting in as much effort into myself as i have in the past for X. We had a very very long phone conversation about a week ago that left both of us badly bruised. we have talked sparsely since then, and that combined with my hospital stay has made me take a second look at my choices. Because in the end, we do have choice. we do have options. we must help ourselves out, if no one else will.

last night while watching tv, my mom turned to me, held my hand, looked in my eyes and told me a piece advice she heard from her mother.

"You deserve someone who will jump in front of a truck for you. I didn't believe that a love like that existed until I found it. And all of you deserve it".

I think she knows something's been up, but has let me be. I really really appreciated her interjecting for the first time ever.

sex talk via g-chat with an ex boyfriend (not X), can be surprisingly NOT awkward.

topics including:

the bar scene/meat-meet market (boring), going out with the purpose of finding a one night stand (we were both con), finding yourself and love will come along and find you instead (both pro), people try to fix you up because they are pushing their own neurosis on you (me con, him pro).

I think this should be the test of if you are truly friends: can you talk on g-chat about your sex life (lacking, or in his case not so much since he is in a committed relationship), and feeling totally at ease. I'd say this should be the ultimate deciding factor.

It's HOT out.

Iced Tea:

3-4 tea bags (anything with caffeine)
brew tea in a large container.
take out tea bags after 5 min.
add lemon wedges.
add 2 heaping tablespoons of honey.
add a handful of mint springs.
add about 1/2 a cup of ice.
put in fridge overnight.
yum.

recipe courtesy of my sista.

here's what i've learned after spending a day in the hospital:

1. i don't really miss technology that much. (the only exception is needing my computer to watch meaningless shows online in order to fall asleep. terrible insomnia you see).

2. Your parents really will always be there for you when no one else is.

3. the healthcare system in this country is incredibly flawed (duh).

4. i kind of like having a bruise where my IV was. It reminds me that i was there.

5. you will always run into someone extremely good looking the moment you look like shit.

6. That good looking person will most likely end up performing an embarrassing medical treatment on you.

7. i'm not as strong as I thought I was.

8. I really do miss having a romantic someone there when I get sick.

9. Things will eventually always return to the status quo.

10. Sometimes when your body has had enough, you can finally tune out all the other crap.


all is well now.

I love the NYT's Thursday styles, but this morning's was just too depressing. Even the cover article on couture was rife with economic depression. Then there's Rep Aaron Schock's ab-tastic life in my fav. city. I will not even begin on yesterday's cover article on the graduate who is still jobless months later. blech.
Oh yea, and then there was the section on "un-islamic" hair-dos.

Nothing says summer like a sexxy representative making his hot-pants wearing self onto the front of my favorite section of the new york times. (what are his stands on social policies again?)

Heat-wave 1.
Me 0.

I must say, every time i am tempted to send an email/text/call X, I have instead decided to write out my feelings here, and it is a glorious system.
I get to say all the things i want to say without actually saying them.

I just watched one of my favorite movies ever, and decided i needed to address it here: kissing jessica stein.
I can relate to this. Sometimes, there is a need for something new after yet another dating disappointment. I have seen this movie many times, but I still love it, and its message. Maybe I don't need a girl, but perhaps there is something else out there that I am not aware of, or have not thought of that would make me happy.

The only problem is figuring out exactly what that is.

With that said (because it makes me sound all strong and forward, which is a lie), I saw X over the holiday. It felt amazing. It was just like old times. We were laughing. I was insanely happy. Now i'm back home, and I feel confused. I feel like I should be angry, but I'm not sure that I am. Instead, I'm grasping for the feelings that are out there, in front of my face, and I still can't figure out what they are.

I want that feeling back, no matter how bad it is.

via knightcat. I just thought these were really pretty. Now i must go watch pollyanna!
interesting weekend, update on that later.

i had a very odd experience last night.
i went to a party, and saw this kid that i used to have a MAJAH crush on in high school. i obviously wanted to flirt with him a little bit (he is also someone who the friends have been pushing me to hook up with), and when we were talking, i suddenly felt extremely guilty.

I couldn't stop thinking about X, and felt like i was doing something wrong by TALKING to this guy (which is completely ridiculous).
This was the first time i felt like i wasn't really living my life because i was still attached to what i had with X. I always knew that this day would come, but i realized it last night more than ever, and it was a horrible feeling.
I had bad dreams.

I used to not take shit from guys. For some reason, i woke up this weekend remembering certain scenarios where some dude has done something shady, and i simultaneously called him out on it and then told him to take a hike.
However, i don't know if that is only because they made me really angry. Because once a female is angry, she's capable of just about anything.

i got to get back there.

Here's the thing about being single: how do you know when it is time to "get back out there"?
Right after my breakup, i was so incredibly distraught that i was able to ignore how lonely i was because all i could think about was the sadness. Now that the real hard pain has subsided, i feel like maybe i shouldn't be acting like a religious housewife, because i'm actually 22 and used to be quite the girl about town.
I had a revelation today that when i'm single, i'm a lot of fun. When i'm in a relationship, im miserable (i feel miserable, i act like a nag, and im sure my friends aren't too pleased with me).

several friends have suggested setting me up recently, and it just sounds exhausting. i know that it would take an hour to scrape that fake smile off my face once i got home from whatever date i was fixed up on.

And in the words of miranda to carrie in the first episode of season 3, sometimes you are just too afraid of getting hurt again to jump into something new, even if it has the possibility to be great.

what i really need is a good kick in the ass, because this "time heals all wounds" thing is getting a bit monotonous. it's been three years and i don't feel any different.

"When i wake up in the morning, i feel just like any other insecure 24-year-old girl. Then i say 'Bitch, you're lady gaga, you get up and walk the walk today.' " - Lady Gaga

i have obviously been absent from writing, due in part to lovely weather outside, an all nighter of drinking with some buddies that set me back a day or two, and my most recent obsession: watching documentaries on ballet companies (preferably the kiev you see). I have been trying to write something about myself in the name of job hunting, and it is proving to be the most difficult task i have ever tried to tackle.
Writing about oneself should be easy, right? anything i put down seems uninteresting, pointless or fake. How is one supposed to portray their passions, desires (oh and punctuality) in a paragraph. The goal for the day is to finally finish this dam thing, actually start working out again and get over the mundane.
in other news, my mother suggested i start a blog. ("about one of your interests! you can write about cooking!")
i always thought of this as a virtual diary that two people read.

The madre is going to a cousin's wedding tonight, so i accompanied her to le nail salon for a mani/pedi combo (STAT). While reading the invariable combination of romance/fitness/beauty and all around "woe is me i'm a woman" magz, i actually saw a really great article in SELF about anxiety and depression in women.

included here is another article via their website on stress: http://www.self.com/health/2009/03/how-to-get-a-grip-on-stress

Anyway, women apparently have decided that their debilitating stress and anxiety is just normal and part of "having it all". This is not the case, second shifters. After a brief quiz taken on how we cope with stress, i discovered that i take blame for things that go wrong instead of accepting them and moving on. Hmmmm... sounds familiar?
This is not an overnight quick fix that one measly article will cure. However, this is an idea that is extremely valuable and necessary if i want to live life, instead of hiding from it. Isn't that one of the stages of grief?
Denial, Anger, Sadness, Acceptance... Hunger?

i thought i would take a moment to stop thinking so much about my own trivial concerns, and read the nyt this morning. So the world is falling apart (what else is new), but i was especially intrigued by this law and order-esque column by my favorite nyt writer, maureen dowd.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/09/opinion/09dowd.html?ref=maureendowd

Ladies, im starting to sympathize with the young ones.

i just watched 'the young victoria' and was delightfully surprised. The always stunning Emily Blunt was wonderful, the costumes were sweet and there were many british accents to entertain me with.
At this point in time, it has been two days since i have heard ANYTHING from X. Not a text, not an email, phone call, NOTHING. We haven't gone this long without speaking since i first got home. I'm trying to not let it bother me, because this is what i wanted, right? However, it actually does hurt my feelings that he clearly doesn't care enough to see what i'm up to. At this point, i'm too proud to contact him, so i guess i'm just not going to talk to him until he does first. Except, i'm not sure he's going to anymore.

for some reason, i thought it would be a good idea to drink many martinis, make homemade mac and cheese, and watch "something's gotta give". even now, this looks like it would be a fabulous evening (on paper only i might add). turns out, one should never watch a romantic comedy whilst trying to forget about a boy. it only makes you want to drunk dial them and say how much you miss them. this is never a good idea. let me make one thing clear: I DID NOT DO THIS. for some inexplicable reason, i managed to put my phone down before dialing, stumble up to bed, and drunkenly blog about my feelings. However... while brushing my teeth, i turned around, got a glimpse of my ass and realized that all that working out has PAID OFF. one point pour moi. Clearly there must be something more exciting than my barrel of crazy to occupy him, otherwise he would have emailed me today. i have heard ZIP for the past 2 days... not that i'm counting or anything. if the girl talk i had earlier today has taught me anything, it's that this can only mean good things for me.

According to the newest issue of cosmo (aka the biggest cliche of my life), US women return to the same toxic love patterns because we get used to them. we begin to think that we are only loved if someone is treating us badly or trying to win us back. Never before have i felt that someone has figured out what is truly going on in my life. Not even after 4 years of college psychology, a therapist, and countless cocktails had in his name while listening to fiona apple and pondering all the reasons why he is bad for me. Unfortunately, even through my vodka haze i feel like there is only one lesson learned from tonight's viewing: the reason i feel this way is because i love him. further, if that's the case then i should try and fix things... he must love me too. When people love each other, you work things out. Except, i'm only 22 and even I know better.

Watch the full episode. See more Julia Child.

i want to make a souffle. Last night i feel asleep to this video, and dreamt that i was back in my old neighborhood and went for a walk. on the walk i made out with a hot gardener, came home and saw lindsay lohan was my next door neighbor and the two of us discussed her "first marriage". There really is no explanation for this.

spent THE BEST NIGHT ever with one of my closest friends from childhood last night. Ah, it brought me back. We drank a whole bunch of summer ales, sat outside and talked about life. New plan: travel, travel, travel.

i think its about that time for me to find out what makes me happy, do it, and stop doubting ever single thing i do. X wants me to visit. He offered for me to stay at his place... i politely declined.

talked to big sis today (hi!), and she offered to have a girls night out soon so i can discuss with her and her wise girlfriends the best way to move the fuck on, with drinks of course. Obviously i said yes.

After last night, when i stayed up all night talking with one of my closest friends in the world, i finally realized it: i CAN be happy without him. I also watched the latest episode of the hills, and realized i NEVER want to be like audrina (oh wait, i already was. btw, she's fabulous, but hopeless when it comes to justin bobby). Nothing like trash-tastic reality tv to make you realize that your own life has hit a low point.

kylie minogue is a goddess.

LA ROUX 'BULLETPROOF' from soyo on Vimeo.

La Roux is hella catchy.


i'm not doing too well today. i think that sometimes we try really hard to be "strong", so we force ourselves to go out and be social and pretend to be happy. however, it is a fact that it is difficult to just decide one day that you are sick of being sad and suddenly you are fine. if that was at all possible, i would be super duper happy all the time because i really WANT to feel good. I WANT to be ok. i saw a friend of mine the other day and god i felt like every single smile i conjured was so... forced. it has nothing to do with her, because i genuinely had a good time hanging out. it's just that i'm still upset and mourning the loss.
X and i are still chatting, tho it is sparse and not as frequent. Maybe he is genuinely fine now. i'm still trying to be ok. if only it was that simple.

Yeay this is gonna be a lighthearted post.

i've been working out almost everyday, eating not horribly, and i haven't been smoking at ALL! in celebration, let's talk about some of my favorite things.

yesterday, i went out to lunch with two of my homies from high school times. we went to one of my favorite comfort food places, penelope in murray hill. of course i had to get the mac and cheese (hey! it comes with a salade), and red velvet cake. i also have this pretty sick secret... sometimes i watch videos of people making mac and cheese on the food network site. watch Ina and tell me that doesn't just make your day.





Also, i have a new favorite t-shirt.. from the gap! it's light, it's flattering, it's amazing. this morning i lamented that i only had one, but i realized that i can go over there and buy a few more. When in doubt, having a few of the same perfect t-shirt can only mean options (or dirty laundry proof).

Lastly, it finally feels like summer, and my skin is surprisingly looking just a little bit golden (a rarity, believe me). i have been pondering some fake tan. i did it once a few years ago, and it actually looked really good. a bunch of people asked where i had gone on vacation. all those videos online of people telling you how to tan make me feel invincible!

a friend of mine gave me a copy of "he's just not that into you" for my birthday this year, and it wasn't until today that i began to read it. boy, did i wish i started earlier. it is an anthem for single girls everywhere who are way too good for the boys that they put up with.
chapter 1: don't put up with his excuses. NOTHING should keep him from putting in the effort to be around you or call you if he likes you. It really doesn't matter how much work he has, or how stressed out he is. If he wants to talk to you, be around you, or be with you, he will do it. after this lesson, there was a workbook exercise outlining why you shouldn't call him if he's not calling you.

Write down 5 good reasons why you should call him. leave it alone for an hour, come back and see if your answers make you look pathetic. "p.s. you just did an exercise in a workbook to see if you should call him. he didn't even put in the energy to pick up the phone." touche.

So what does this mean for me? well, to be blunt, i'm smart, i'm relatively funny, i have many wonderful loving friends, among other amiable qualities (i can cook, i read the new york times, etc..) yet i spend an incalculable amount of time wondering what X is doing, and why he hasn't texted, emailed, or called me. i know his fucking schedule. i can think of 3 separate moments in his "hectic day" when he has time to at least drop me a line. so why should i care as much as i do? as much as i hated him at the time, i suddenly have a lot of respect for an ex boyfriend from several years ago who refused to have any contact with me after we broke up. i was able to move on. this is some uncomfortable grey area.

there are many wonderful things i can be doing/people i can be seeing. it's about time i started doing it, instead of stressing out over whether he will contact me. As the book states, actions speak louder than words. he can tell me he misses me all he wants, but at the end of the day, he's not making an effort to show me that he cares, so why should i?

i'm starting to feel very lost. yesterday started out good, and then went downhill. i'm just not going to think about it anymore. i haven't heard from X since the texts, and i'm starting to feel sad and lonely. why is this the case? we're not together anymore, and he doesn't have to check in with me every day. However, i realized that i have gotten used to us talking daily, and it feels weird.
being the neurotic that i am, i discussed my current situation with a good friend yesterday during the bbq. she had some valuable advice: sometimes, when you start to feel like everything is out of control, you just need to take yourself out of it, realize that the earth is billions of years old, and that we only get to live for 100 of those years (tops). then it's time to think about what you REALLY want to do. i often feel like i'm waiting for something. waiting for life to figure itself out, or for someone to call me back, or for the weather to get better. what is the point of waiting around all the time, when you can just live?

this makes me think about everytime i think "why is this happening to me?" because the truth is, it's not happening to me, i'm just letting it happen.
this seems to be exacerbated by me calling and texting a bunch of people, and no one responding. ugh! it takes two seconds to reply to a text. i may have texted him last night, only for him not to respond. blech.

Yesssssss... it is one of those days. It's 80 degrees, sunny, breezy and just amazing outside! woke up early, already worked out, ate some delic. bacon and eggs. About to bake some chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. Then heading out to a bbq at the childhood bestie's house. I hear there are pomegranate margaritas!! I think it's gonna be a hella great day.
i spent all day yesterday throwing things out. it is such a good feeling. i simultaneously burned a sage candle to ward off evil spirits (yes, i have italian catholic superstitions).
Now, to ensure that everyone has a good sunday (and memorial day weekend), i'm including a bit of hot summer jamz and eye candy. THANK YOU cristiano ronaldo for existing. i can almost forget that you need human contact to live a fulfilled life.
(Let's ignore the two hour phone convo with X... and all the texts he sent me last night). today is about enjoying the day, and ignoring the outside world.

LISTEN: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alglEMdXvxI

WATCH: http://perezhilton.com/2010-05-30-completely-gratuitous-324 (thanks perez for making my fucking morning).

Ahhh! What an exhausting day in the big ol' city today. Went to lunch with the big sis, met all her co-workers and visited me favorite museum. The only problem is now my feet are sore and I'm ready to go to sleep even though its not even dinner time. I must say though, the country is looking amazing in the summertime. I always seem to forget. The office experience was an interesting one... I'm starting to wonder if a corporate job would really just suck me dry. Do I want to pay my rent or live a long happy life broke? Tis the question of the day. At least there was some serious man candy making its way down fith ave.

Because everything is better with a little x-tina. watched "save the last dance" last night and cried like a baby.

made creamy polenta with pancetta and broccoli rabe. courtesy of michael chiarello. is he or isn't he? that is the question.

talked with X on g-chat for a while yesterday, also got 2 emails from him.
i know it's nice, and i get to feel like someone loves me, but this is totally fake, and even i know it through my delirious haze. why are we emailing everyday? i understand why I'M doing it (because i have a difficult time moving on, and am self destructive when it comes to relationships).
However, i have trouble understanding him. Thus begins the cycle of us "being friends", which i have been through many a time, only for us to hook up with each other, say how much we love each other, and then i cry, he gets quiet, and then i ignore him for a week, blablablablabla.

i actually thought we were gonna be friends post-grad, but we have already started our goodbyes during these daily chats with "i miss you so much". i know i say that to my friends who are platonic, but i'm not convinced he does.
Oh dear god, what would kristin do?

in the spirit of the upcoming SATC 2 release this thursday (to which i am going to on opening night, with mom, post cocktails. yes, i convinced her we should get cosmos), i thought maybe it was time for a little beauty talk.

i purchased The Thymes' ginger milk body cream 3 years ago and have savored my expensive little tub for as long as possible. Alas, it is all gone. So i went online to search for it, and to my dismay it seems to be discontinued. there is a new ginger collection from The Thymes, but i fear it is not the same. Nonetheless, nothing and i mean NOTHING has ever gotten my skin so smooth, or smell so good.

Another fun place to which i may treat myself to is the Benefit brow bar. luckily, i live near one of their few boutiques, which is an experience in and of itself. however, they offer services in places like bloomingdales as well.

creams and brow gel are probably some of the least important things on the planet. However, they make people feel good, kind of like potato salad and ice cream. Started working out today, actually ate my cereal and have a job in the afternoon. one step at a time... one step at a time.

http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/515938/advice-on-exes.jhtml#id=1639518

This is THE BEST THING EVER.
watching the hills is a shameless secret pastime of mine since sophomore year. i was sad to see LC go, and stopped watching the show once they brought back Kristin, cuz bitch be crazy sometimes. HOWEVER, i watched season 5, and started watching the current season again, because what else should i do with my time? (job hunt, move out, find inner peace....)

About a few weeks ago, i saw an episode where Kristin is chatting up one of her hot friends for guy advice, and she states that all these boys were being shady, and she is done with them. This was not an Audrina statement, because she was in fact done with them. Coke aside, i think Kristin is freaggin fabulous because of her ability to just move on when someone is giving her crap. Sure she's nuts on the show, but the hills is so scripted anyway, who cares? you know it's all fake anyway.

One night when i was feeling lonely, i actually caught myself asking a rhetorical "What would Kristin do?"
The answer is always: don't take shit from anyone, no matter what. Amen sister! So here it is, MTV knew they had a winner in this little segment that is indeed called "What would Kristin do?", and i couldn't be happier.

new haircut. twas lovely!

also, why hasn't he replied to my email... it's been 2 days (do you count me sending an email yesterday morning as 2 days?)

i was very productive while getting my haircut... i checked my mail 2x and then added a new email account on my phone just in case that wasn't sufficient. then i got home and checked my email once more, because who knows!? technology just might not be fast enough to reach my crackberry at instant speeds!

this has gotten sad.. and out of control. maybe i just need to turn off my phone and turn off the computer.
repeat after me: you are a worthy person, and you don't need the constant attention of one person to make you feel good.

Never mentioned the glorious discovery made yesterday at le nail salon. Clam Bake by Essie. This photo does not do it justice. think more orange, bright and shiny. In fact, looking at my fingers type on the keys make me feel that much better despite the sun having just left.
update on the email: i responded calmly, and got another response already. i'm just glad i didn't say "i miss you" first.
New Summer resolution: start doing yoga.

so many unfortunate thoughts right now, which is killing my super happy past two days. (no tears). spent an amazing day frolicking outside with two of my closest girl friends. one from school, one from hs, and we all had fun. nails done, check. 75 degree weather? check that too. then after a pizza feast, and homemade ice cream from the local creamery, i come home to check my email, and there it is: an email from the X...


Ok, so i originally thought that this diary of sorts would be for the enjoyment of life, and an outlet for overflowing thoughts that cloud my life. in my secret happy place, that would mean that i am above sad posts about an ex boyfriend. however, i am feeling that this email has gotten me really jazzed, and not in a good way, so i feel compelled to ponder it further here.
He casually suggested how he might consider moving to the city where i live. i understand that this is a fucking big city with many wonderful opportunities, but i didn't break up with you and then even for a second contemplate moving to your homestead. Also, what type of cocktease is it to tell me you need to be independent and devoid of a girlfriend, and that long distance doesn't work, and then move to where i live!! perhaps he won't ever even come here, but the mere thought of it makes me feel very very worthless and low. because unless he moves here and proclaims his undying love, i don't think there's room here for the two of us. in true bridget jones' fashion, i don't think ive ever been closer to my worse fear: becoming a faint resemblance to glenn close in fatal attraction.
why can't i just move to paris? at the very least, i could rely on delicious bread. screw that, delicious wine. speaking of which, if i wasn't so afraid of my little drunk dialing problem, i would make myself a martini.

seriously, when will it stop raining?
Woke up early for a "meeting", which got cancelled. Now trying to figure out the best outfit to wear when the weather goes from rain to sun in a matter of minutes. Meeting two close buds in the city for some drinks... i mean lunch, and some catching up. There's a possibility of playing a show this weekend, so more on that later.

I know it's just a fact of life, but why is it that cereal just does not taste good? i've tried jazzing it up with berries and whole milk, but cereal will never taste as good as bacon and eggs. Preferably located on a buttery bun with melted cheese. In an attempt to get a bit healthier and exit the college cold pizza routine, i've started eating cereal for breakfast, but it sucks. In the magic land that doesn't exist, where i would still be in a relationship, and have a fabulous job, cereal would taste great... or at least bacon egg and cheese would be calorically insignificant. Is that so much to ask?

you know you still have some internal work to do when every morning you wake up, and already regret the day beginning.

So I am newly graduated (by 3 days), and moved in back home. After spontaneously bursting out into tears several times yesterday while doing laundry, i watched this great video on stylelikeu on the blogger Krystal Simpson. Her blog is very visually entertaining in many ways. However, it was how she talked about life that really inspired me to get out of bed and stop feeling sad that this chapter in life is now over. Her "can do" attitude didn't annoy me at all. Instead I felt excited to be able to do the things that make me happy. Of course, here is the video below. After about 2 minutes of her talking about her funky clothes and hippy upbringing, she begins to talk about moving on. I definitely needed a lesson. Maybe now I can just watch pretty girls talk shop on the internet instead of going to therapy.

Krystal Simpson on Stylelikeu.com from Stylelikeu on Vimeo.