i laughed, and then hormonally cried at how true this is.

well the jokes on me because apparently after years of cocktail infused nights of contemplating relationships and why love sucks, i still SUCK BALLS AT LIFE.

starting with... sabotaging my current sort-of-relationship by waking up new guy in the middle of the night to double check if he's got something on the side. because apparently i dont trust ANYONE. his response in a nutshell?? well, how could i have someone on the side when you take up 1,000 percent of my time?

yea... awesome.


except what i really wanted to say was: i like you. i feel insecure. tell me you like me.

NOT: i dont trust you. you are a sucky new guy. let me interrogate you in the middle of the night.


Example 2:
today is X's birthday.
In the spirit of that SVU episode when munch says the last thing he said to his father before he committed suicide was "i hate you", i decided to send a " have a rad birthday!" text to X.

In my head this makes sense. I'm sure the three of you reading this will roll your eyes at the thought of me thinking anything pleasant about X, but the truth is, i don't wanna die thinking that people think i hate them.
I don't hate X. i never will.

well silly me, because my happy birthday text got this in response: "one day, i will say what i want to you".

ummmm.... what?!


what i really want to say is this:

i dont want to fight anymore.
I dont want you to think i hate you.
i dont want you to hate me.
can't we just get to that place where we can drink scotch and look back on those silly college days and thing, gosh, we were two crazy kids who couldn't seem to get it right.

or... you are no longer my lover, but i still love you... in the way that divorced couples who get along can still share a drink and talk about how much they love their kids?

why can't i just say that?

What I learned about relationships by watching The Bachelor.....

Last night was the season finale of one of my sick tv obsessions. Usually I can tell who the bachelor is going to pick by the 2nd to last episode because he starts pulling away from the other chick and latching onto the other one (sound familiar?)

Brad, the notorious bachelor for picking no one a few years back came back to fall in love with sweet southern belle emily. I had been watching the season religiously this year with a good childhood friend of mine and the two of us kind of joked about her barbie-esque facade, but in the end i was won over by emily. It wasn't because she was nice and soft-spoken or because she's a single mom with a heartbreaking past.

While watching the proposal last night, and seeing the two of them tear up, i realized that she is the yin to his yang. She is calm where he is emotional.

I have lamented in the past over my teenage idea that when two people are in love, they stay together forever. I have learned this is obviously not true. I hate to admit it but i think the bachelor taught me a lesson on balance.

I think that things with me and X were so terrible because we were too much alike. There was never any balance. It was either high highs or low lows. That's great for a minute, i guess.....

Reflecting further on this, i think every healthy functioning relationship i know of have some balance. So the moral of the story is that if you're a hot mess like me, someone with a little bit of stability might be the right one.

That, and, relationships are harder to deal with when you're not on a tropical beach sipping cocktails all day.

Here's the thing about being single: how do you know when it is time to "get back out there"?
Right after my breakup, i was so incredibly distraught that i was able to ignore how lonely i was because all i could think about was the sadness. Now that the real hard pain has subsided, i feel like maybe i shouldn't be acting like a religious housewife, because i'm actually 22 and used to be quite the girl about town.
I had a revelation today that when i'm single, i'm a lot of fun. When i'm in a relationship, im miserable (i feel miserable, i act like a nag, and im sure my friends aren't too pleased with me).

several friends have suggested setting me up recently, and it just sounds exhausting. i know that it would take an hour to scrape that fake smile off my face once i got home from whatever date i was fixed up on.

And in the words of miranda to carrie in the first episode of season 3, sometimes you are just too afraid of getting hurt again to jump into something new, even if it has the possibility to be great.

what i really need is a good kick in the ass, because this "time heals all wounds" thing is getting a bit monotonous. it's been three years and i don't feel any different.

"When i wake up in the morning, i feel just like any other insecure 24-year-old girl. Then i say 'Bitch, you're lady gaga, you get up and walk the walk today.' " - Lady Gaga