sup. long time no talk.
im pretty much done with this blog for many reasons.
1. being it started out as a way for me to vent, and most of the things i was venting about aren't important to me anymore. (i.e. X)
2. i haven't been inspired.
3. im seriously thinking about starting something new. (w/ friends, etc.)
4. i want to write about things that people care about, not just my personal agenda.

so, until i figure it out, happy summer !

adorable

I have been mulling over whether to write about something crappy that happened, and i figured i might as well....

i have reason to believe that new guy's roomate is cheating on his girlfriend. this has caused many a heated conversation with new guy because i believe firmly in the girl code, while he firmly believes in 'don't ask, don't tell'.... meaning: i feel extremely saddened and upset over this development and new guy basically gives a shrug, and 'it's none of our business'.

EXCEPT it sort of becomes someone else's business when it's under your nose.

Which brings me to this question:

does new guy's indifference stem from

a) he doesn't think its a big deal
b) he really doesn't want to get involved in other people's drama the way i apparently am drawn to it like rupaul to disco
c) he is trying not to throw his bro under the bus.... bro code?
d) he himself is cheating and doesn't want to continue to talk about this infirmary topic

i discussed this with a friend because it is causing me to loose my cool. and it boils down to i need to trust him. if his friend is a piece of shit, i can't assume the law of transference.

i am beginning to learn that with girls, you speak up at any noticeable flaw.
with guys, you pound it out and turn the other cheek.

updates to come i guess....

oh, and don't worry, i casually mentioned that i would cut his balls off if he does the same.

some thoughts on birth control:

i am loosing weight, i feel tired ALL THE TIME no matter how much coffee i drink, my sex drive has disappeared and i often feel nauseous. I'm thinking that the birth control that i went on after i had some ovarian troubles back in july is fucking with me and it culminated in a tremendous breakdown friday night.

i had to wait for a table for an hour and hadn't eaten all day (strike two, i turn into a monster when im hungry), and picked a fight with new guy, and called bestie for advice crying hysterically.

i actually had a light-bulb moment as i cried and screamed at new guy over.... there was no reason... i heard myself in my head saying: you are fucking crazy, why are you acting like this?

but i couldn't stop. it was beyond my control. the next day was my good friend's birthday, and somehow in talking with a few of her friends who i have never met, the conversation turned to birth control, and one announced that it ruined her life. just like that.

"Birth control ruined my life".

something's in the water (or in a pack of little pills) because every girl i have talked to recently has complained that her birth control is making her feel like crap, and she can't possibly stay on it forever. as one friend said to me: "condom's suck, but not as much as this" (she is in a monogamous long term relationship fyi).


i feel better. except only a little bit better because i still feel cranky, emotional and crazy.

Which leads me to wonder why with all of the technology we have, birth control still manages to ruin my life (and apparently other young ladies' lives as well).

how do we feel about male birth control? yea, i wouldn't trust any man with my own body. so that settles that.

and i yearn for the days when my biggest health worry was "do i look ok in this bikini cuz im going on vacation?"
apparently i hear it goes downhill from here.

via altamiranyc? more from this chic.... love it

Made Alton Brown's fudge-y, rich, awesome brownies the other night:
(he calls them cocoa brownies)

oven at 300.

butter and flour an 8-inch pan.

whisk together 4 eggs until light yellow.
add 1 cup sifted sugar. add 1 cup sifted brown sugar (i used dark brown, which was hard to sift).
add 2 sticks melted butter, 1 1/4 cups sifted cocoa, 2 teaspoons vanilla, 1/2 cup sifted flour, pinch salt (he called for 1/2 teaspoon, i used a bit less).

mix all together, pour into pan, bake for 45 min until the center is no longer liquid. i had to cook mine for another 15 minutes or so. insert a toothpick into the center to be sure.


i don't crave sweets. I want salt all the time, but this really did the trick.
speaking of sweets, does anyone else feel slightly violated after watching nigella lawson cook?

here, i'll show you:



i thought about making this, but then couldn't care enough to get into my silky black pajamas.

i laughed, and then hormonally cried at how true this is.

well the jokes on me because apparently after years of cocktail infused nights of contemplating relationships and why love sucks, i still SUCK BALLS AT LIFE.

starting with... sabotaging my current sort-of-relationship by waking up new guy in the middle of the night to double check if he's got something on the side. because apparently i dont trust ANYONE. his response in a nutshell?? well, how could i have someone on the side when you take up 1,000 percent of my time?

yea... awesome.


except what i really wanted to say was: i like you. i feel insecure. tell me you like me.

NOT: i dont trust you. you are a sucky new guy. let me interrogate you in the middle of the night.


Example 2:
today is X's birthday.
In the spirit of that SVU episode when munch says the last thing he said to his father before he committed suicide was "i hate you", i decided to send a " have a rad birthday!" text to X.

In my head this makes sense. I'm sure the three of you reading this will roll your eyes at the thought of me thinking anything pleasant about X, but the truth is, i don't wanna die thinking that people think i hate them.
I don't hate X. i never will.

well silly me, because my happy birthday text got this in response: "one day, i will say what i want to you".

ummmm.... what?!


what i really want to say is this:

i dont want to fight anymore.
I dont want you to think i hate you.
i dont want you to hate me.
can't we just get to that place where we can drink scotch and look back on those silly college days and thing, gosh, we were two crazy kids who couldn't seem to get it right.

or... you are no longer my lover, but i still love you... in the way that divorced couples who get along can still share a drink and talk about how much they love their kids?

why can't i just say that?

Well happy first day o' spring with a snow storm. What a cruel joke.

The past few days though, have been really nice, and it has lifted my spirits a little bit.
Some fun things are materializing in the next few months (my birthday! going to a wedding in Florida! Construction is almost done! Maybe MOVING!)

we shall see. Nothing has been set in stone, but i have been thinking about moving and i've been saving to do so. Hopefully things will start to look up. Ready for a new adventure.

In other news, my generous oldest sister offered to give me her camera, so I'm also contemplating some new projects... new blog? more pictures? It's all in the mix...

What I learned about relationships by watching The Bachelor.....

Last night was the season finale of one of my sick tv obsessions. Usually I can tell who the bachelor is going to pick by the 2nd to last episode because he starts pulling away from the other chick and latching onto the other one (sound familiar?)

Brad, the notorious bachelor for picking no one a few years back came back to fall in love with sweet southern belle emily. I had been watching the season religiously this year with a good childhood friend of mine and the two of us kind of joked about her barbie-esque facade, but in the end i was won over by emily. It wasn't because she was nice and soft-spoken or because she's a single mom with a heartbreaking past.

While watching the proposal last night, and seeing the two of them tear up, i realized that she is the yin to his yang. She is calm where he is emotional.

I have lamented in the past over my teenage idea that when two people are in love, they stay together forever. I have learned this is obviously not true. I hate to admit it but i think the bachelor taught me a lesson on balance.

I think that things with me and X were so terrible because we were too much alike. There was never any balance. It was either high highs or low lows. That's great for a minute, i guess.....

Reflecting further on this, i think every healthy functioning relationship i know of have some balance. So the moral of the story is that if you're a hot mess like me, someone with a little bit of stability might be the right one.

That, and, relationships are harder to deal with when you're not on a tropical beach sipping cocktails all day.

I realized this afternoon that I haven't left my house in 3 days. Not even to get the mail.
This is how I have always been. Without work to go to, or someone specific to see, I find it easy to spend time alone. I don't even notice it's happening until several days have past and I realize that i'm wearing the same grey sweatpants.

I have been feeling....off.

I know that I have some mental health disabilities, and I haven't been to therapy in several months. However, I don't think I need therapy to live happily. I do, however, require a few basic things to make it through the day. No one likes the winter time, but the lack of sunshine has been extremely difficult for me this winter. The funny thing is that I wouldn't necessarily consider myself a miserable person. I just want freedom to do what i want, to have the people i care about close by, and some decent weather.

A few days ago I dreamt that I had a baby. It was the coolest kid ever that never cried and was happy all the time. I didn't know who the father was. I was still in college, and I was happy being a mother. In real life, kids scare the shit out of me.

I studied psychology in college, and believe strongly in the messages that dreams contain. This is up for debate in the scientific world, but to me, I feel ready to start my life, because right now I don't feel like i'm living it. (And no, im not for a second implying that i want kids).

I guess i'm going to leave the house and go somewhere now because that's what you have to do.

photo via knightcat. I don't know who she is, but fuck do i want a spot like that to hang out on.

wishing it was finally summer...

I haven't talked about new guy because things for the most part have been really good. We got into a big fight last weekend, and i tried to just leave. He told me if i was upset we should talk about it. pretty adult, huh?

In fact, i keep waiting for him to do something really crappy. I expect for something bad to happen. It's hard dating someone new when your last boyfriend made it impossible for you to trust anyone.

Ya know what we fought about? he's still friends with his ex-girlfriend who he broke up with 2 years ago. i've known this for a long time now, but after a few cocktails and i saw that she had texted him, i got really really pissed off.

it's pretty hypocritical of me of course. a few weeks ago, for some reason i was feeling really nostalgic for X. Not that i wanted to BE with him... I just felt really sad that we were no longer part of each other's lives. This is def for the best because we made each other miserable for a long time. No matter how much i like new guy, it's easy to feel sad for someone who used to be your best friend.

I guess X still feels the same way because 5 minutes ago, as i am getting ready to go out to dinner with new guy, X texted me: i'm sorry.

YESSSSSSS....

Besides the fact that this is now LARGE and IN CHARGE,

I was up all night at work, and it felt kinda good, even though now i'm jacked up on caffeine and feel like crap.

In cooking news: I made bread from scratch. In my opinion, the 5 hours it takes to rise ain't worth it. Next time i'll just drive to the bakery and buy some. bad cook, i know, but really... i don't care that much.

I also made a cake from scratch which... is really not as easy as i assumed it would be.

cheers

Check out the flickr

Stockholm Street Style

I know this is from Fall RTW 2010, but man, I love this. Sometimes you just wanna wear something sparkly..
Lets see if London this week will gimme something hot

"A fellow will remember a lot of things you wouldn't think he'd remember. You take me. One day, back in 1896, I was crossing over to Jersey on the ferry, and as we pulled out, there was another ferry pulling in, and on it there was a girl waiting to get off. A white dress she had on. She was carrying a white parasol. I only saw her for one second. She didn't see me at all, but I'll bet a month hasn't gone by since that I haven't thought of that girl. "

- Bernstein, Citizen Kane

The past few days have been difficult. The weather is not cooperating, and new guy has been out of town for a week. I need a pick me up. Last night I made risotto which was a bust because i decided to add in kale last minute, and well... it just tasted weird.

I DID use up the rest of the pie crust that I made for the quiche and made an apple galette via my new alice waters cook book.

here goes (in oversimplified directions):

take pie crust, rollout. refrigerate while cutting the apples.

slice around 2 large apples thinly. add 2 TB sugar to apples and (my fav, a little lemon juice).

arrange apple slices in an overlapping circle on the pie crust. fold over the edge so the apples are tucked in nicely.

beat and egg and brush over the exposed crust. Sprinkle sugar on entire tart and bake at 400 for 45 min.

tada! delicious.

Zucchini Quiche:


Crust (makes 2) from Alice Waters:

12 TB butter
2 cups flour
salt
1/2 cup ice water

cut butter into the salted flour, work together until crumbs start to form. add a little bit of water. work together into a ball. add more water if necessary. may not need all of it.

divide the dough into two balls, wrap in plastic and refrigerate for at least 1 hour. The other dough ball can be used for later or frozen.

Filling (adapted by me):

Sautee 2 pieces of diced bacon with 1 sprig of rosemary until it begins to brown.
Add 1/2 chopped onion.
cook until translucent.
slice 2 Zucchinis into thin rounds. add to onion/bacon mixture. Cook until almost soft.

Roll out one of the dough balls on a floured surface. Add to a pie dish. Trim any excess dough from the sides.
Place the Zucchini mixture into the raw crust and spread out evenly.

Add 1 1/2 cups grated gruyere on top.

Mix together 3 eggs, 1 1/4 cups cream or whole milk. dash of salt, pepper and nutmeg. pour egg mixture over the zucchini.

Bake for 35-40 minutes until golden at 375.
Let rest 5 minutes.

The bad thing about being a freelancer is that there are moments when i am temporarily unemployed. I feel that way because for the past two weeks i have only been working maybe three days a week. Technically i still have a job, but i suddenly have more time on my hands. The good thing about such time is that i can try out some new recipes.

With that said, i am officially in love with chef john from foodwishes. My favorite food blogger is still smitten kitchen, but chef john's incredibly easy to follow youtube videos really get to me.

Last night i made his vodka sauce recipe. I thought of taking some photos, but why not just watch his video?
I dunno if new guy actually loved this penne or if he was just being nice, but I loved it, so that's the most important thing.



Vodka sauce has always scared me a little bit because my mom refuses to eat or cook with cream. Therefore i have no previous experience cooking any kind of cream sauce unless mac and cheese counts. Then i saw on jersey shore that snooki made vodka sauce and i realized i could probably do it if she could.

mission accomplished. this was fucking awesome.

BEAUTY FAVORITES

So i'm having a lot of fun doing these. who knows if anyone else is. here goes, beauty fav's...

1. Moisturizer. I love keihls, but it tends to make me break out if i use it everyday. therefore i have begun switching my moisturizers around every few days and it's been working. At night, i like Benefit's Dear John cream.

2. Garnier Facial Wipes. I use these to take off my makeup before washing my face at night, but sometimes when i'm in a rush, these can count as washing my face too. It really is true that your skin will improve ten fold if you take off your makeup before bed. I wish i had started doing this years ago.

3. Maybelline Mascara. I have a favorite mascara for a while and then find another favorite, but i think the Maybelline ones are the best. Currently digging the colossal volume in black. Always in black.

4. Mac Mineralize Skin Finish in Soft and Gentle. MSF's slightly confuse me. There are two kinds. One is a regular face powder (I have this one too) and the other is a shimmery, golden highlighting pressed powder.... thing. This is the latter. I sweep this on my cheekbones, a little on my brow bone and down the bridge of my nose before some blush and i look like i've had a decent night's sleep and also maybe i've been outside (which i haven't).

5. Nars Sheer Glow Foundation. Almost feels like a tinted moisturizer. It is so light, you can't feel it. Only use less than a pea size amount for your entire face.

6. Sigma Duo Fibre Brush. This used with number 5, and it won't look like you have any makeup on. Having a few really good brushes makes such a difference in how your makeup looks. I don't think its necessary to have 20 MAC blending brushes unless you are a professional makeup artists, but something to apply your foundation, powder, whatever you use everyday. The other day, new guy said i didn't look that tired after staying up all night working. Seriously, thank god for makeup. '

7. Baby Shampoo. This is to clean your brushes weekly. When I started cleaning my brushes regularly, my skin improved. You're not putting all the grime from your brush right back onto your face.

VALENTINE'S DAY EDITION:

I'm def. not a chocolates and teddy bear kind of girl. In fact I dont even like sweets that much. It's all about the salt baby. so in preparation for tomorrow (and yes, i do have plans with the new guy), here's my idea of the perfect valentine's day....

1. A bottle of... you guessed it, Pinot Noir. Scotch works well too.

2. Something from Agent Provocateur. NOT IN RED.... Let's keep it grown up people.


3. A room at the Ritz. In case that 1,000 dollar silk robe shown at the top isn't available, i'm sure the terry ones in a suite will do.

4. A steak from the 21 club.


As Lady Gaga once said, a good valentine's day would include "a good fuck... and some carbohydrates"

FOOD FAVORITES. WINTER EDITION

so I have many secret (or not so secret) internet obsessions: fashion blogs, youtube makeup tutorials and food videos on foodnetwork.com.

On most of the makeup tutorial sites, there are the makeup "haul videos" that for some reason are endlessly entertaining, and also the "monthly favorites". These are fun. These are pointless. so here goes a food version of my favorites:

1.Pinot Noir. I know! What a cliche, but honestly, i don't know what i would do without wine, let alone red wine, and as we all know pinot noir is king of reds. pinot noir is better than therapy on a cold dreary night.

2. Good crusty bread. A good loaf of bread can make any meal better. scrambled eggs on toast is boring. scrambled eggs on a hot crusty slice with olives is delish. roasted chicken with... crusty bread croutons? how about bread pudding?

3. Butter. Obviously this goes without saying.

4. Sharp Knives. Nothing bums me out more than trying to mince something with really dull knives.

5. Cheese. I will not include all of my favorites and make this an overarching topic because otherwise i would be here all day. I can say with total honesty that i have never tasted a cheese i didn't like. make it moldy, smelly, creamy, nutty, hard, soft. they are all perfection. I really do feel terrible for people who are lactose intolerant. There is nothing better than a piece of cheese, and while this wasn't planned, if you combine everything on this list, it would make for a pretty awesome saturday night.

who knew thomas jefferson was the founder of mac and cheese ?

argh, fuck this weather.

seriously, i'm not over it.

i went to work at 1am (happy wednesday to me), only to leave work at 9am to see 3 inches of ice on the ground (if you don't believe me, google CT weather for february 2nd), and my entire car encased in a solid inch of ice. It took me 25 minutes to thaw out my car before driving all the way home at 20 miles per hour. on the highway...

my current screen saver is this:


(tahiti)
which is not really helping matters.
Maybe i wouldn't be so bitter, except that i feel like the world is taunting new england.. like those commercials about Florida, or checking out my fav fashion blogs that usually distract me from the depths of darkness. Except seeing those bitches in shorts isn't making me forget that i got hailed on while i attempted to scrap the ice off of my windshield in 20 degree weather.

i would LOVE IT to see how hot they can look in 4 feet of snow (again, i'm not exaggerating), and an ice storm. yes, i slid down my driveway, in my office parking lot, and on the highway.

Not to sound like a little byotch considering the rest of world news. I just want some sunshine.

ok, rant of the day... you know you need a vacation when you look out your window and it looks like this:


YES, i went outside and took pictures of the freakin snow storm from hell aka all of january in new england.






which is only so robert frost until you see this:

Time to talk about the new boy. What shall we call him? Not A, because, well... that's me (and it's all about me, isn't it).

Maybe R, as is a play on his nickname... Ramen? Almond Joy? His name rhyms with both.

Things are good, but as every post before this has proven, there is a time when someone will disappoint me. Not to be a negative Nancy, but that time already happened.
He made a bad impression on my friends. He wants to have a re-do dinner with all of us that will be better than the last time (re: he showed up drunk following happy hour with his co-workers), but im wary. If it doesn't go well the 2nd time, then i'll be forced to re-evaluate this situation, and I don't feel like re-evaluating right now. It's going too well besides this snafu.

It's going really really well.

I could fall down the black hole of being a hot mess right now but i wont.

dam you hormones for making me fucking crazy this week.

via agent provocateur.

i don't care what anyone says. wearing kick ass undies makes you stand a little taller. this weather blows.

because im in such a good mood, and not hung over for the first time in 3 days, i will now present my long over-due recipe for queso.

made this weekend with the ladies.
made more enjoyable while drinking beer and watching the craigslist killer.

2 tb. butter (duh)
2 tb. flour
roughly 1 cup WHOLE MILK
1 1/2 cups SHARP cheddar
some salt and pepper
spicy salsa


melt the butter in a small pot.
stir in the flour, and whisk together until a blonde colored paste forms.
slowly whisk in the milk.
heat until thickened. should be able to coat the back of a spoon.

(this is a basic rue. for Yummy Mac and Cheese add a cup of cheddar, 1/2 cup gruyere, salt, pepper and nutmeg to taste. stir in cooked pasta, add to a baking dish, cover with breadcrumbs and bake for around 30 minutes until brown at 375).


for the Queso:

stir in the cheese, salt, pepper and salsa. turn off the heat. add more cheese and/or salsa to taste.
serve with chips.

nom nom nom...

sup.

arrived home last night from what was essentially spring break part II, but instead of bikinis there were suits and instead of pina coladas, there were vodka tonics.

i find it interesting to be so in love with a city that isn't my own. this has also fueled my fire to move to somewhere new when the time is right.
don't get me wrong, i'm actually in a good place right now. i really love my job, even when i come home and need a glass of wine.
i have found a neighborhood bar here, and some people to go out with. still gots my city buds too. M, if you are reading, don't move away !

I've been slow in chronicling my newest boy interest, and i don't think i will for a while. while on vacation the past few days, i didn't say much to my friends, only that i really like him. it's been a few weeks now, and while i was gone, i honestly missed him.

this post isn't about a boy though, as it usually is.
this is about my friends.
we are growing up now, and are in very different places for the first time. no longer do we live in a college dorm together, or the same state even.
it feels really good to know that the same people who you hung out with at 18 are up for a road-trip this past weekend.
it was really fun.

more fun than before though, because no one needs a fake ID.

I had what they call the breakthrough.


a few weeks ago, i called X. I don't know why. there was no reason. I just felt like i needed to.
we talked, and of course as always, it was followed by multiple heart-wrenching emails and two hour talks late at night.

i was planning on visiting some college friends next week. X was a big factor in this. we were excited. I thought maybe i could feel closure? something? happiness?

i was at work tonight, g-chatting during a particularly slow portion of the news, and my friend asks if i was planning on seeing him. i said yes, we had some things we needed to talk about face to face.

she seemed cautious. i asked her why. she told me she heard he had been sleeping with underclassmen at our alma mater.
pulling his charm probably on some drunk sophomore at a party.

i have never wanted a weave to pull out before. tonight was a night of firsts i guess.
i was at work dammit! how the fuck was i supposed to deal with this?

I called my rational best guy friend and he listened patiently as i spewed profanities.

He gave me the best advice i could have ever gotten. he said i needed to be the calmest ive ever been. i needed to call up and rationally explain that i couldn't come.

and i did it.

I called him up and simply said:
listen, i value being honest, so i'm going to be honest with you. I know you've been sleeping around, and it initially made me really mad. then i thought about it and we've been broken up a while, and it really doesn't matter.
what does bother me is that when i come home, im gonna be by myself and i'm gonna have to be prepared for how im going to feel. I don't feel that i can handle coming to visit, and i want you to respect it.

he didn't have anything to say. he was completely silent. i asked him calmly if he had anything he wanted to say. he said he was going to hold his tongue, and that he was going to respect my decisions.

because at the end of the day, there is no one there but me. yes, maybe one day i might find another great love. maybe ill meet someone great. perhaps he will never come and i will die at 23. that's why its not about him. it's my fucking life goddamit. If i can't take care of myself, i aint got nothing.
so thats what i did.
i decided to take better care of my body. because how can i expect someone else to respect it if i cant?