i had a very odd experience last night.
i went to a party, and saw this kid that i used to have a MAJAH crush on in high school. i obviously wanted to flirt with him a little bit (he is also someone who the friends have been pushing me to hook up with), and when we were talking, i suddenly felt extremely guilty.

I couldn't stop thinking about X, and felt like i was doing something wrong by TALKING to this guy (which is completely ridiculous).
This was the first time i felt like i wasn't really living my life because i was still attached to what i had with X. I always knew that this day would come, but i realized it last night more than ever, and it was a horrible feeling.
I had bad dreams.

I used to not take shit from guys. For some reason, i woke up this weekend remembering certain scenarios where some dude has done something shady, and i simultaneously called him out on it and then told him to take a hike.
However, i don't know if that is only because they made me really angry. Because once a female is angry, she's capable of just about anything.

i got to get back there.

Here's the thing about being single: how do you know when it is time to "get back out there"?
Right after my breakup, i was so incredibly distraught that i was able to ignore how lonely i was because all i could think about was the sadness. Now that the real hard pain has subsided, i feel like maybe i shouldn't be acting like a religious housewife, because i'm actually 22 and used to be quite the girl about town.
I had a revelation today that when i'm single, i'm a lot of fun. When i'm in a relationship, im miserable (i feel miserable, i act like a nag, and im sure my friends aren't too pleased with me).

several friends have suggested setting me up recently, and it just sounds exhausting. i know that it would take an hour to scrape that fake smile off my face once i got home from whatever date i was fixed up on.

And in the words of miranda to carrie in the first episode of season 3, sometimes you are just too afraid of getting hurt again to jump into something new, even if it has the possibility to be great.

what i really need is a good kick in the ass, because this "time heals all wounds" thing is getting a bit monotonous. it's been three years and i don't feel any different.

"When i wake up in the morning, i feel just like any other insecure 24-year-old girl. Then i say 'Bitch, you're lady gaga, you get up and walk the walk today.' " - Lady Gaga

i have obviously been absent from writing, due in part to lovely weather outside, an all nighter of drinking with some buddies that set me back a day or two, and my most recent obsession: watching documentaries on ballet companies (preferably the kiev you see). I have been trying to write something about myself in the name of job hunting, and it is proving to be the most difficult task i have ever tried to tackle.
Writing about oneself should be easy, right? anything i put down seems uninteresting, pointless or fake. How is one supposed to portray their passions, desires (oh and punctuality) in a paragraph. The goal for the day is to finally finish this dam thing, actually start working out again and get over the mundane.
in other news, my mother suggested i start a blog. ("about one of your interests! you can write about cooking!")
i always thought of this as a virtual diary that two people read.

The madre is going to a cousin's wedding tonight, so i accompanied her to le nail salon for a mani/pedi combo (STAT). While reading the invariable combination of romance/fitness/beauty and all around "woe is me i'm a woman" magz, i actually saw a really great article in SELF about anxiety and depression in women.

included here is another article via their website on stress: http://www.self.com/health/2009/03/how-to-get-a-grip-on-stress

Anyway, women apparently have decided that their debilitating stress and anxiety is just normal and part of "having it all". This is not the case, second shifters. After a brief quiz taken on how we cope with stress, i discovered that i take blame for things that go wrong instead of accepting them and moving on. Hmmmm... sounds familiar?
This is not an overnight quick fix that one measly article will cure. However, this is an idea that is extremely valuable and necessary if i want to live life, instead of hiding from it. Isn't that one of the stages of grief?
Denial, Anger, Sadness, Acceptance... Hunger?

i thought i would take a moment to stop thinking so much about my own trivial concerns, and read the nyt this morning. So the world is falling apart (what else is new), but i was especially intrigued by this law and order-esque column by my favorite nyt writer, maureen dowd.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/09/opinion/09dowd.html?ref=maureendowd

Ladies, im starting to sympathize with the young ones.

i just watched 'the young victoria' and was delightfully surprised. The always stunning Emily Blunt was wonderful, the costumes were sweet and there were many british accents to entertain me with.
At this point in time, it has been two days since i have heard ANYTHING from X. Not a text, not an email, phone call, NOTHING. We haven't gone this long without speaking since i first got home. I'm trying to not let it bother me, because this is what i wanted, right? However, it actually does hurt my feelings that he clearly doesn't care enough to see what i'm up to. At this point, i'm too proud to contact him, so i guess i'm just not going to talk to him until he does first. Except, i'm not sure he's going to anymore.

for some reason, i thought it would be a good idea to drink many martinis, make homemade mac and cheese, and watch "something's gotta give". even now, this looks like it would be a fabulous evening (on paper only i might add). turns out, one should never watch a romantic comedy whilst trying to forget about a boy. it only makes you want to drunk dial them and say how much you miss them. this is never a good idea. let me make one thing clear: I DID NOT DO THIS. for some inexplicable reason, i managed to put my phone down before dialing, stumble up to bed, and drunkenly blog about my feelings. However... while brushing my teeth, i turned around, got a glimpse of my ass and realized that all that working out has PAID OFF. one point pour moi. Clearly there must be something more exciting than my barrel of crazy to occupy him, otherwise he would have emailed me today. i have heard ZIP for the past 2 days... not that i'm counting or anything. if the girl talk i had earlier today has taught me anything, it's that this can only mean good things for me.

According to the newest issue of cosmo (aka the biggest cliche of my life), US women return to the same toxic love patterns because we get used to them. we begin to think that we are only loved if someone is treating us badly or trying to win us back. Never before have i felt that someone has figured out what is truly going on in my life. Not even after 4 years of college psychology, a therapist, and countless cocktails had in his name while listening to fiona apple and pondering all the reasons why he is bad for me. Unfortunately, even through my vodka haze i feel like there is only one lesson learned from tonight's viewing: the reason i feel this way is because i love him. further, if that's the case then i should try and fix things... he must love me too. When people love each other, you work things out. Except, i'm only 22 and even I know better.

Watch the full episode. See more Julia Child.

i want to make a souffle. Last night i feel asleep to this video, and dreamt that i was back in my old neighborhood and went for a walk. on the walk i made out with a hot gardener, came home and saw lindsay lohan was my next door neighbor and the two of us discussed her "first marriage". There really is no explanation for this.

spent THE BEST NIGHT ever with one of my closest friends from childhood last night. Ah, it brought me back. We drank a whole bunch of summer ales, sat outside and talked about life. New plan: travel, travel, travel.

i think its about that time for me to find out what makes me happy, do it, and stop doubting ever single thing i do. X wants me to visit. He offered for me to stay at his place... i politely declined.

talked to big sis today (hi!), and she offered to have a girls night out soon so i can discuss with her and her wise girlfriends the best way to move the fuck on, with drinks of course. Obviously i said yes.

After last night, when i stayed up all night talking with one of my closest friends in the world, i finally realized it: i CAN be happy without him. I also watched the latest episode of the hills, and realized i NEVER want to be like audrina (oh wait, i already was. btw, she's fabulous, but hopeless when it comes to justin bobby). Nothing like trash-tastic reality tv to make you realize that your own life has hit a low point.

kylie minogue is a goddess.

LA ROUX 'BULLETPROOF' from soyo on Vimeo.

La Roux is hella catchy.


i'm not doing too well today. i think that sometimes we try really hard to be "strong", so we force ourselves to go out and be social and pretend to be happy. however, it is a fact that it is difficult to just decide one day that you are sick of being sad and suddenly you are fine. if that was at all possible, i would be super duper happy all the time because i really WANT to feel good. I WANT to be ok. i saw a friend of mine the other day and god i felt like every single smile i conjured was so... forced. it has nothing to do with her, because i genuinely had a good time hanging out. it's just that i'm still upset and mourning the loss.
X and i are still chatting, tho it is sparse and not as frequent. Maybe he is genuinely fine now. i'm still trying to be ok. if only it was that simple.

Yeay this is gonna be a lighthearted post.

i've been working out almost everyday, eating not horribly, and i haven't been smoking at ALL! in celebration, let's talk about some of my favorite things.

yesterday, i went out to lunch with two of my homies from high school times. we went to one of my favorite comfort food places, penelope in murray hill. of course i had to get the mac and cheese (hey! it comes with a salade), and red velvet cake. i also have this pretty sick secret... sometimes i watch videos of people making mac and cheese on the food network site. watch Ina and tell me that doesn't just make your day.





Also, i have a new favorite t-shirt.. from the gap! it's light, it's flattering, it's amazing. this morning i lamented that i only had one, but i realized that i can go over there and buy a few more. When in doubt, having a few of the same perfect t-shirt can only mean options (or dirty laundry proof).

Lastly, it finally feels like summer, and my skin is surprisingly looking just a little bit golden (a rarity, believe me). i have been pondering some fake tan. i did it once a few years ago, and it actually looked really good. a bunch of people asked where i had gone on vacation. all those videos online of people telling you how to tan make me feel invincible!

a friend of mine gave me a copy of "he's just not that into you" for my birthday this year, and it wasn't until today that i began to read it. boy, did i wish i started earlier. it is an anthem for single girls everywhere who are way too good for the boys that they put up with.
chapter 1: don't put up with his excuses. NOTHING should keep him from putting in the effort to be around you or call you if he likes you. It really doesn't matter how much work he has, or how stressed out he is. If he wants to talk to you, be around you, or be with you, he will do it. after this lesson, there was a workbook exercise outlining why you shouldn't call him if he's not calling you.

Write down 5 good reasons why you should call him. leave it alone for an hour, come back and see if your answers make you look pathetic. "p.s. you just did an exercise in a workbook to see if you should call him. he didn't even put in the energy to pick up the phone." touche.

So what does this mean for me? well, to be blunt, i'm smart, i'm relatively funny, i have many wonderful loving friends, among other amiable qualities (i can cook, i read the new york times, etc..) yet i spend an incalculable amount of time wondering what X is doing, and why he hasn't texted, emailed, or called me. i know his fucking schedule. i can think of 3 separate moments in his "hectic day" when he has time to at least drop me a line. so why should i care as much as i do? as much as i hated him at the time, i suddenly have a lot of respect for an ex boyfriend from several years ago who refused to have any contact with me after we broke up. i was able to move on. this is some uncomfortable grey area.

there are many wonderful things i can be doing/people i can be seeing. it's about time i started doing it, instead of stressing out over whether he will contact me. As the book states, actions speak louder than words. he can tell me he misses me all he wants, but at the end of the day, he's not making an effort to show me that he cares, so why should i?