i laughed, and then hormonally cried at how true this is.

well the jokes on me because apparently after years of cocktail infused nights of contemplating relationships and why love sucks, i still SUCK BALLS AT LIFE.

starting with... sabotaging my current sort-of-relationship by waking up new guy in the middle of the night to double check if he's got something on the side. because apparently i dont trust ANYONE. his response in a nutshell?? well, how could i have someone on the side when you take up 1,000 percent of my time?

yea... awesome.


except what i really wanted to say was: i like you. i feel insecure. tell me you like me.

NOT: i dont trust you. you are a sucky new guy. let me interrogate you in the middle of the night.


Example 2:
today is X's birthday.
In the spirit of that SVU episode when munch says the last thing he said to his father before he committed suicide was "i hate you", i decided to send a " have a rad birthday!" text to X.

In my head this makes sense. I'm sure the three of you reading this will roll your eyes at the thought of me thinking anything pleasant about X, but the truth is, i don't wanna die thinking that people think i hate them.
I don't hate X. i never will.

well silly me, because my happy birthday text got this in response: "one day, i will say what i want to you".

ummmm.... what?!


what i really want to say is this:

i dont want to fight anymore.
I dont want you to think i hate you.
i dont want you to hate me.
can't we just get to that place where we can drink scotch and look back on those silly college days and thing, gosh, we were two crazy kids who couldn't seem to get it right.

or... you are no longer my lover, but i still love you... in the way that divorced couples who get along can still share a drink and talk about how much they love their kids?

why can't i just say that?

Well happy first day o' spring with a snow storm. What a cruel joke.

The past few days though, have been really nice, and it has lifted my spirits a little bit.
Some fun things are materializing in the next few months (my birthday! going to a wedding in Florida! Construction is almost done! Maybe MOVING!)

we shall see. Nothing has been set in stone, but i have been thinking about moving and i've been saving to do so. Hopefully things will start to look up. Ready for a new adventure.

In other news, my generous oldest sister offered to give me her camera, so I'm also contemplating some new projects... new blog? more pictures? It's all in the mix...

What I learned about relationships by watching The Bachelor.....

Last night was the season finale of one of my sick tv obsessions. Usually I can tell who the bachelor is going to pick by the 2nd to last episode because he starts pulling away from the other chick and latching onto the other one (sound familiar?)

Brad, the notorious bachelor for picking no one a few years back came back to fall in love with sweet southern belle emily. I had been watching the season religiously this year with a good childhood friend of mine and the two of us kind of joked about her barbie-esque facade, but in the end i was won over by emily. It wasn't because she was nice and soft-spoken or because she's a single mom with a heartbreaking past.

While watching the proposal last night, and seeing the two of them tear up, i realized that she is the yin to his yang. She is calm where he is emotional.

I have lamented in the past over my teenage idea that when two people are in love, they stay together forever. I have learned this is obviously not true. I hate to admit it but i think the bachelor taught me a lesson on balance.

I think that things with me and X were so terrible because we were too much alike. There was never any balance. It was either high highs or low lows. That's great for a minute, i guess.....

Reflecting further on this, i think every healthy functioning relationship i know of have some balance. So the moral of the story is that if you're a hot mess like me, someone with a little bit of stability might be the right one.

That, and, relationships are harder to deal with when you're not on a tropical beach sipping cocktails all day.

I realized this afternoon that I haven't left my house in 3 days. Not even to get the mail.
This is how I have always been. Without work to go to, or someone specific to see, I find it easy to spend time alone. I don't even notice it's happening until several days have past and I realize that i'm wearing the same grey sweatpants.

I have been feeling....off.

I know that I have some mental health disabilities, and I haven't been to therapy in several months. However, I don't think I need therapy to live happily. I do, however, require a few basic things to make it through the day. No one likes the winter time, but the lack of sunshine has been extremely difficult for me this winter. The funny thing is that I wouldn't necessarily consider myself a miserable person. I just want freedom to do what i want, to have the people i care about close by, and some decent weather.

A few days ago I dreamt that I had a baby. It was the coolest kid ever that never cried and was happy all the time. I didn't know who the father was. I was still in college, and I was happy being a mother. In real life, kids scare the shit out of me.

I studied psychology in college, and believe strongly in the messages that dreams contain. This is up for debate in the scientific world, but to me, I feel ready to start my life, because right now I don't feel like i'm living it. (And no, im not for a second implying that i want kids).

I guess i'm going to leave the house and go somewhere now because that's what you have to do.

photo via knightcat. I don't know who she is, but fuck do i want a spot like that to hang out on.

wishing it was finally summer...

I haven't talked about new guy because things for the most part have been really good. We got into a big fight last weekend, and i tried to just leave. He told me if i was upset we should talk about it. pretty adult, huh?

In fact, i keep waiting for him to do something really crappy. I expect for something bad to happen. It's hard dating someone new when your last boyfriend made it impossible for you to trust anyone.

Ya know what we fought about? he's still friends with his ex-girlfriend who he broke up with 2 years ago. i've known this for a long time now, but after a few cocktails and i saw that she had texted him, i got really really pissed off.

it's pretty hypocritical of me of course. a few weeks ago, for some reason i was feeling really nostalgic for X. Not that i wanted to BE with him... I just felt really sad that we were no longer part of each other's lives. This is def for the best because we made each other miserable for a long time. No matter how much i like new guy, it's easy to feel sad for someone who used to be your best friend.

I guess X still feels the same way because 5 minutes ago, as i am getting ready to go out to dinner with new guy, X texted me: i'm sorry.

YESSSSSSS....

Besides the fact that this is now LARGE and IN CHARGE,

I was up all night at work, and it felt kinda good, even though now i'm jacked up on caffeine and feel like crap.

In cooking news: I made bread from scratch. In my opinion, the 5 hours it takes to rise ain't worth it. Next time i'll just drive to the bakery and buy some. bad cook, i know, but really... i don't care that much.

I also made a cake from scratch which... is really not as easy as i assumed it would be.

cheers