i had a very odd experience last night.
i went to a party, and saw this kid that i used to have a MAJAH crush on in high school. i obviously wanted to flirt with him a little bit (he is also someone who the friends have been pushing me to hook up with), and when we were talking, i suddenly felt extremely guilty.

I couldn't stop thinking about X, and felt like i was doing something wrong by TALKING to this guy (which is completely ridiculous).
This was the first time i felt like i wasn't really living my life because i was still attached to what i had with X. I always knew that this day would come, but i realized it last night more than ever, and it was a horrible feeling.
I had bad dreams.

I used to not take shit from guys. For some reason, i woke up this weekend remembering certain scenarios where some dude has done something shady, and i simultaneously called him out on it and then told him to take a hike.
However, i don't know if that is only because they made me really angry. Because once a female is angry, she's capable of just about anything.

i got to get back there.

Here's the thing about being single: how do you know when it is time to "get back out there"?
Right after my breakup, i was so incredibly distraught that i was able to ignore how lonely i was because all i could think about was the sadness. Now that the real hard pain has subsided, i feel like maybe i shouldn't be acting like a religious housewife, because i'm actually 22 and used to be quite the girl about town.
I had a revelation today that when i'm single, i'm a lot of fun. When i'm in a relationship, im miserable (i feel miserable, i act like a nag, and im sure my friends aren't too pleased with me).

several friends have suggested setting me up recently, and it just sounds exhausting. i know that it would take an hour to scrape that fake smile off my face once i got home from whatever date i was fixed up on.

And in the words of miranda to carrie in the first episode of season 3, sometimes you are just too afraid of getting hurt again to jump into something new, even if it has the possibility to be great.

what i really need is a good kick in the ass, because this "time heals all wounds" thing is getting a bit monotonous. it's been three years and i don't feel any different.

"When i wake up in the morning, i feel just like any other insecure 24-year-old girl. Then i say 'Bitch, you're lady gaga, you get up and walk the walk today.' " - Lady Gaga

i have obviously been absent from writing, due in part to lovely weather outside, an all nighter of drinking with some buddies that set me back a day or two, and my most recent obsession: watching documentaries on ballet companies (preferably the kiev you see). I have been trying to write something about myself in the name of job hunting, and it is proving to be the most difficult task i have ever tried to tackle.
Writing about oneself should be easy, right? anything i put down seems uninteresting, pointless or fake. How is one supposed to portray their passions, desires (oh and punctuality) in a paragraph. The goal for the day is to finally finish this dam thing, actually start working out again and get over the mundane.
in other news, my mother suggested i start a blog. ("about one of your interests! you can write about cooking!")
i always thought of this as a virtual diary that two people read.

The madre is going to a cousin's wedding tonight, so i accompanied her to le nail salon for a mani/pedi combo (STAT). While reading the invariable combination of romance/fitness/beauty and all around "woe is me i'm a woman" magz, i actually saw a really great article in SELF about anxiety and depression in women.

included here is another article via their website on stress: http://www.self.com/health/2009/03/how-to-get-a-grip-on-stress

Anyway, women apparently have decided that their debilitating stress and anxiety is just normal and part of "having it all". This is not the case, second shifters. After a brief quiz taken on how we cope with stress, i discovered that i take blame for things that go wrong instead of accepting them and moving on. Hmmmm... sounds familiar?
This is not an overnight quick fix that one measly article will cure. However, this is an idea that is extremely valuable and necessary if i want to live life, instead of hiding from it. Isn't that one of the stages of grief?
Denial, Anger, Sadness, Acceptance... Hunger?

i thought i would take a moment to stop thinking so much about my own trivial concerns, and read the nyt this morning. So the world is falling apart (what else is new), but i was especially intrigued by this law and order-esque column by my favorite nyt writer, maureen dowd.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/09/opinion/09dowd.html?ref=maureendowd

Ladies, im starting to sympathize with the young ones.

i just watched 'the young victoria' and was delightfully surprised. The always stunning Emily Blunt was wonderful, the costumes were sweet and there were many british accents to entertain me with.
At this point in time, it has been two days since i have heard ANYTHING from X. Not a text, not an email, phone call, NOTHING. We haven't gone this long without speaking since i first got home. I'm trying to not let it bother me, because this is what i wanted, right? However, it actually does hurt my feelings that he clearly doesn't care enough to see what i'm up to. At this point, i'm too proud to contact him, so i guess i'm just not going to talk to him until he does first. Except, i'm not sure he's going to anymore.