so i realized that i am and always have been a little bitch. in my personal life, in my professional life... just in all aspects of life, i have continually allowed my fear of confrontation to get in the way of realizing my goals. I am determined to end that now!

I have been mulling over this two jobs situation, and considering that i am not happy, not earning a whole lot and am not receiving stellar health benefits (or any health benefits at all), there is not reason to feel guilty about quitting one of my jobs in order to pursue my dreams.

speaking of which, this evening i got a text from X. I had to talk to my friend about what to do before realizing i was again being a pussy and ignored his message.

case in point: time to just man the fuck up, because there is no need to sugar coat it for a guy who broke your heart, or for a boss you barely know.

i'mma do me. i'mma do me.

"When life gives you lemons, ask for the vodka, amiright?"

i would like to get inspired. perhaps i have talked about this before as i frequently think about it. it's a rainy day, and i'm gonna take the camera back out.

I had a complete emotional breakdown today.
Sometimes life is just... hard.

"Being 20 is a terrible thing.
There is a stillness in the air.
I see leaves rustle,
and crinkle in the stifling heat.
Hearing nothing though,
I am unable to move,
Watching them die,
While I hold the hose."

p.s. two days ago during the meditation portion of my yoga class, i burst out crying. for no reason.
or maybe i was missing X.
fuck meditation. i don't need to be alone with my thoughts for a full 5 minutes.

ugh, I am very very sick. It's my own fault for trying to work late nights and then go out after, resulting in too many sleepless nights followed by long days of work. It's been good though. Two jobs aint that bad. I'm sure after another month of this though, i will become sick of it.

The good thing about working so much/attending weekly yoga/drinking so much good wine is that I have BARELY thought of X's existence. This has been made especially easy since he had been traveling in the woods somewhere far away from me for the past month.
except....

I assume he's back because I got home from work today tired, sniffling, and changing into my PJ's when i see that in my haste to leave this morning I left my gmail up. There is one missed gchat message... from you know who.

My heart sank. Of course it was funny. of course it was a little sassy. i really don't need this now. I'm sick, i'm working odd hours, and i'm trying REALLY REALLY hard to be ok.

a few days ago, i was having a sweet catch up chat with one of one of our mutual friends. let me re-phrase this: his best friend, and one of my closest guy pals. the three of us used to hang out all the time. this mutual friend Z commented that in the world X cares about 3 people: himself, another bro from his childhood and me. I told Z I was just too exhausted with all the bullshit to be his friend right now, and it's true. The way I feel right now is how I feel about our entire relationship. If you burn the candle on both ends for so long, you will eventually come down with a temp, and wanna just fucking throw the towel in.

in conclusion, im not going to respond or send a message back. He can figure it out all by his lonesome that I need a fucking break.

The.Baddest.Bitch.In.Town

NicholasK.

some of my favorite things as of right now:

-matt and kim
-season 3 of HIMYM
-sweaters
-croissants

so for the two people who read this blog, and may be wondering... i have been doing quite well.
ive been working, drinking some vino, doing some cooking, and discovering how much i love photography ever since i made friends with the guy at the camera store who fixed my 15 year old 35mm.

i havent talked to X since he went away, and it really truly is for the best. While i do sometimes think of him, i no longer jump everytime my crackberry vibrates thinking it might be him. I can actually sleep through the night without nightmares, and ive gotten back into reading my mystery books outside in the sun. maybe i'm not in a relationship, but im finding time for myself which i havent truly done in about 3 years. it feels wonderful.

listening to my large billie holiday collection, preparing to bbq rosemary crusted shrimp skewers, drinking the coffee, and doing some gardening today.

to my lovely sister E, it was great seeing you this past weekend. i love you lots.

some photos finally got developed. i miss a dark room.

(since i don't have a camera, and my 35mm is in the shoppe for repairs, i figured the next best thing was a pic. of mario batali's crocs. via his website.)

potato croquettes, modified from 3 diff. recipes, and heckling by my mother who claims i "didn't do them like nona":

about 5 waxy yellow potatoes, peeled and cut into cubes. Boil until fork tender.
-put potatoes through a ricer into the hot pot used for boiling. Add 3 tb.'s of real butter.
-add about 1/3 cup milk, or more if needed, turn on the heat and wait until milk starts to froth.
-turn of heat, and mix well.
-add 1/2 cup grated parmegianno. stir.

let cool.

-add a large handful of thinly chopped prosciutto, small handful chopped parsley, dash of nutmeg, and a little salt and pepper
-add 1 egg
-form mixture into little patties, coating with flour. shake off excess flour.

-in a large deep pan, fill with vegetable oil until 1/4 inch high up the sides of the pan.
-fry in batches until golden brown on all sides.
-place fried patties on plate with paper towel to soak up the excess oil
-yummy. enjoy. mangia.

A gigantic tomato from my garden. i'm thinking i should eat it raw.
i've been cooking a lot. cooking to me is a mixed bag. i love it, and it makes me calm, but it is also a very emotional process. this must be from my heritage. no matter, i decided to go back to the roots. I made potato croquettes with prosciutto. yummy. however, i made too much, and spent the next day sneaking cold snacks from the fridge. Now i know why my mother doesn't make them. Also standing over a pan deep frying cheesy potatos arent exactly healthy either.

On the topic of food, I recently discovered the best thing ever at the restaurant where I work: free glass of wine at the end of your shift. It has been a life long dream to become extremely knowledgeable about wine, and so I figured this is pretty much my chance. I can taste whatever I want for free.

Now, i need to figure out how to make the fresh fig and gorgonzola pizza they make...

downloaded more beirut and matt and kim.