so i realized that i am and always have been a little bitch. in my personal life, in my professional life... just in all aspects of life, i have continually allowed my fear of confrontation to get in the way of realizing my goals. I am determined to end that now!

I have been mulling over this two jobs situation, and considering that i am not happy, not earning a whole lot and am not receiving stellar health benefits (or any health benefits at all), there is not reason to feel guilty about quitting one of my jobs in order to pursue my dreams.

speaking of which, this evening i got a text from X. I had to talk to my friend about what to do before realizing i was again being a pussy and ignored his message.

case in point: time to just man the fuck up, because there is no need to sugar coat it for a guy who broke your heart, or for a boss you barely know.

i'mma do me. i'mma do me.

"When life gives you lemons, ask for the vodka, amiright?"

i would like to get inspired. perhaps i have talked about this before as i frequently think about it. it's a rainy day, and i'm gonna take the camera back out.

I had a complete emotional breakdown today.
Sometimes life is just... hard.

"Being 20 is a terrible thing.
There is a stillness in the air.
I see leaves rustle,
and crinkle in the stifling heat.
Hearing nothing though,
I am unable to move,
Watching them die,
While I hold the hose."

p.s. two days ago during the meditation portion of my yoga class, i burst out crying. for no reason.
or maybe i was missing X.
fuck meditation. i don't need to be alone with my thoughts for a full 5 minutes.

ugh, I am very very sick. It's my own fault for trying to work late nights and then go out after, resulting in too many sleepless nights followed by long days of work. It's been good though. Two jobs aint that bad. I'm sure after another month of this though, i will become sick of it.

The good thing about working so much/attending weekly yoga/drinking so much good wine is that I have BARELY thought of X's existence. This has been made especially easy since he had been traveling in the woods somewhere far away from me for the past month.
except....

I assume he's back because I got home from work today tired, sniffling, and changing into my PJ's when i see that in my haste to leave this morning I left my gmail up. There is one missed gchat message... from you know who.

My heart sank. Of course it was funny. of course it was a little sassy. i really don't need this now. I'm sick, i'm working odd hours, and i'm trying REALLY REALLY hard to be ok.

a few days ago, i was having a sweet catch up chat with one of one of our mutual friends. let me re-phrase this: his best friend, and one of my closest guy pals. the three of us used to hang out all the time. this mutual friend Z commented that in the world X cares about 3 people: himself, another bro from his childhood and me. I told Z I was just too exhausted with all the bullshit to be his friend right now, and it's true. The way I feel right now is how I feel about our entire relationship. If you burn the candle on both ends for so long, you will eventually come down with a temp, and wanna just fucking throw the towel in.

in conclusion, im not going to respond or send a message back. He can figure it out all by his lonesome that I need a fucking break.

The.Baddest.Bitch.In.Town

NicholasK.

some of my favorite things as of right now:

-matt and kim
-season 3 of HIMYM
-sweaters
-croissants