Paramore - The Only Exception from BAB on Vimeo.

i ended things with PG. He came over the other night, and i realized that it just was never going to work. besides the nothing in common thing, i realized i'm not ready to date.

in other news, i went to a fancy lobster dinner party, got hammered, went home and listened to this song over and over again and cried uncontrollably for an hour while writing poetry about X.
it was a complete relapse.
i drunkenly sent him an email telling him to send me postcards with cacti on them. he went to the south for a while, and i can only hope that this larger distance between us will make things better for me.
I don't have a facebook for the single reason that if i did i would spend hours looking up old boyfriends. people don't know this. they think i'm too "hip" for facebook when in reality its because im a huge sap.
i went on my friend's facebook the other night tho when she wanted to show me a funny picture of the two of us. i stumbled across a montage of photos on some mutual friend's page of X and i at school. he's kissing my cheek, i'm genuinely laughing. in the background of another photo you can see us cuddled up to each other at a party. his head is resting on my shoulder. it's been two days and i can't get that image out of my head.

besides that, i really like this music video. there's something really honest about it.

AH FASHION!
when life gets me down, i tend to spend my time looking at pretty things. It's a great distraction for a few minutes. see above. what i would LOVE to get my hands on: Long dresses, shiny hair tucked into cool coats, that freakin awesome celine bag, and of course: sheer everything. with a lacy bra to match.
via: jakandjill,lefashion

i am a "what are we" whore, and it took me last night to realize this. after i went out for drinks with PG post-work, i went home and couldn't get the friend vibe we had out of my head, so i unfortunately texted him something dumb: Are we just friends?

This poor guy was freaked out. He thought i wanted him to tell me i was his boyfriend or something of that nature. Deep down, i kinda wanted him to say: Yes, we are just friends.

He's nice, he's sweet, he's cute, blablabla... but i don't really feel anything the way i have in the past with other people (like X).

the same thing happened with a brief fling when i was at school. i was hooking up with a cute/nice/sweet guy, and out of the blue, I "What are we"'d him. It was almost like i wanted him to say it was only casual so i could get out of it. Instead, he said he liked me, and wanted to keep seeing me (read: last night's outcome). A few days later, i told him it wasn't gonna work out. i felt like an asshole. I even continued to call him a few times at late hours to see if he wanted to "watch a movie". i'm such a jerk.

So now that i have had what we call "the break-through moment", i have to play out my next steps carefully. I need to put PG into perspective. As one good friend said: Why not keep seeing him? if he's a good guy, and you enjoy his presence, it's not like you're gonna get married.

i think part of the problem is that we're not doing anything. how can you feel sparks for someone who you kiss occasionally? this is bullshit.

it's time to talk about PG. We went on another date, after i decided to stop sulking that he is down with jesus and i'm not.
It was nice.

He is the opposite of my "type". Last night i met up with him and one of my oldest girl friends for a drink. i thought it would be good if i got a second opinion. She approves of his manners, in which he is well versed. She didn't quite "get" why he is holding on to his v-card.

I love getting advice on guys from my friends because their opinions are so different from each other. When consulting the ladies on whether i should continue to see PG, one said it was doomed due to our conflicting religious views and that i should just cut the ties. The other said i shouldn't let him go! She reminded me that most guys we see are major assholes, and maybe i shouldn't be so quick to stop seeing a guy who actually treats me with... gasp... respect.

I don't want to seem so shallow, but part of my uncertainty is his incredible talent for being a cock tease. I'm not into sleeping around or anything like that, but this situation is more PG than my middle school semi-formal. And whether i like it or not, time isn't going to magically reverse and make me an angel.

Well, I unfortunately don't live in the world of MadMen, but at least I can play around with this sick app and pretend.



Honestly, this crap kept me entertained for a solid 30 minutes last night: http://www.amctv.com:80/originals/madmen/madmenyourself/

I have a friend from school who had a relationship very similarly to mine when we were in college. we were trying to deal with our crappy situations the best we could, and would talk to each other frequently about them.

i talked to her last night and she told me something amazing. apparently, her selfish ex kept trying to contact her after she told him she needed space after their breakup, and finally a few days ago, he talked to her. apparently he said he wanted to hear how she was because he cares about her so much. she didn't take the bait. instead she told me she said her life was wonderful, and there was absolutely no room in it for him and promptly hung up.

It's really hard to break the ties to someone who you think you love, even if they act like an asshole. even if you break up, you may be talking all the time, and that is the scenario that i have found myself in until recently. i finally made the decision to break my ties. I know it's not going to be easy, but if i look in the mirror and am really true to myself, it's something i just need to do.

sometimes the hardest thing to do is to stand your ground.