Via lefashion. erin wasson. yeay.
heading to a secluded beach town for the weekend with family, my 35mm camera, and a big floppy hat.
more on PG when i get back. for now i'm gonna enjoy the sunshine. just made homemade vanilla poundcake with cognac syrup.

i went on my first real date since X. This was with PG (party guy), and i actually had a good time. we stayed up talking until 1am, even though my bedtime is more like 10. he even introduced me to his parents, and made me a brownie sundae. He was sweet, and kind, and nothing like any guy I have ever dated.

needless to say, they all have "something", and PG's is that he is super religious. ok, that's fine. even though i'm not, i want to think that i am an accepting person. he tells me he's holding out until marriage (now im REALLY trying to be understanding).

i get home and receive a text from PG telling me not to mention our date to our mutual friend who's party is where we met. Why is this i ask? because the person i thought was my friend told him that since i wasn't religious, i wasn't good for PG. he was trying to "look out for his friend".

FROM WHAT!? am i the devil, the wile-y temptress, or the anti-christ?

i dont know whether to be mad at PG, my "friend", or at both. It's one thing to have your own belief system, and i would hope that no one would think of me any different because i have a different belief system from them. the most annoying part is that i actually like PG. i wanted to see him again, and now i don't think i have it in me.

ok, so party guy wants to "hang out and watch a movie" tomorrow. is this a date? I texted the birthday kid who's house is where we met to see what his deal was. a bit of recon. i'm freaked out by this, and its taken me a while to figure out why. it's cuz i havent been hit on in a million years until recently and i have no idea how the fuck to act.

our mutual friend just sent me the best reply:

"movie? slow down! you just met! coffee out!"

Amen sista. (yea, he's a dude, but he's not reading this so whatevs).

there must be something in the motherf$%&*ing water.

tonight this rugby player at a birthday party told me "i have no choice but to take you for most guy's dream girl"

this was after he asked what i was doing after the party and i replied that i am going home to watch return of the jedi.

there must be something wrong with him...

There was a big storm last night in my small new england hamlet. power has been out since yesterday afternoon, and i am currently at the public library to get my internet fix. It's quite lovely actually. It appears that the whole town has brought their laptops to the library. There are kids reading while their moms are online, the work-from-home set on business calls in the courtyard, and some 20-somethings like myself probably job hunting or updating their twitter accounts.

After the 70-mile an hour winds (i really am not exaggerating) last night, it has opened up to become one of the most beautiful days i have ever seen. The sky is crystal clear blue. Yes, this is a metaphor.

My theory about seeking happiness and love will follow has already proven to be true. I was supposed to meet up with a friend the other night for drinks at his favorite bar in our favorite city. alas, i was 5 minutes from our destination when i got a call from him saying he would be at least an hour late. no matter, i would go have that solo drink that i've always wanted to have. besides, the ball game would be playing on every screen in the surrounding 50 mile radius.

I arrived at said bar, ordered the usual vodka tonic with lime combo and settled in to watch the 6th inning. 3 minutes later, a beautiful, chiseled, brown tousled hair, v-neck sweater and suit pants wearing man asked if he could join me at the bar. i couldn't believe my luck. Said hottie had just gotten off from a long day at work, and we chatted about how we were both recent graduates, how gross the age difference was of the couple sitting next to us, and how lame we felt for individually going to this particular bar by ourselves.

Now, i RARELY, if ever give out my number to guys i meet at bars, but he was just too dam adorable. Already gotten several texts from said QT, and he wants to hang out again.

I'm not saying this will go anywhere, i'm just psyched that my luck seems to be reversing in some odd way.

It's been 2 days since i have heard from X, and i couldn't care less.

listen up: florence and the machine.


I made a decision today. I was talking to my potential travel partner, looking up flight prices and interviewed for a job today. Then i made grilled fish tacos.

I realized that i am finally ready to move on.

I am starting to feel good about myself. I needed to get out of the house, do things that make me happy, see the people who love me, and realize that i will only be ok if i believe that i am worth putting in as much effort into myself as i have in the past for X. We had a very very long phone conversation about a week ago that left both of us badly bruised. we have talked sparsely since then, and that combined with my hospital stay has made me take a second look at my choices. Because in the end, we do have choice. we do have options. we must help ourselves out, if no one else will.

last night while watching tv, my mom turned to me, held my hand, looked in my eyes and told me a piece advice she heard from her mother.

"You deserve someone who will jump in front of a truck for you. I didn't believe that a love like that existed until I found it. And all of you deserve it".

I think she knows something's been up, but has let me be. I really really appreciated her interjecting for the first time ever.

sex talk via g-chat with an ex boyfriend (not X), can be surprisingly NOT awkward.

topics including:

the bar scene/meat-meet market (boring), going out with the purpose of finding a one night stand (we were both con), finding yourself and love will come along and find you instead (both pro), people try to fix you up because they are pushing their own neurosis on you (me con, him pro).

I think this should be the test of if you are truly friends: can you talk on g-chat about your sex life (lacking, or in his case not so much since he is in a committed relationship), and feeling totally at ease. I'd say this should be the ultimate deciding factor.

It's HOT out.

Iced Tea:

3-4 tea bags (anything with caffeine)
brew tea in a large container.
take out tea bags after 5 min.
add lemon wedges.
add 2 heaping tablespoons of honey.
add a handful of mint springs.
add about 1/2 a cup of ice.
put in fridge overnight.
yum.

recipe courtesy of my sista.

here's what i've learned after spending a day in the hospital:

1. i don't really miss technology that much. (the only exception is needing my computer to watch meaningless shows online in order to fall asleep. terrible insomnia you see).

2. Your parents really will always be there for you when no one else is.

3. the healthcare system in this country is incredibly flawed (duh).

4. i kind of like having a bruise where my IV was. It reminds me that i was there.

5. you will always run into someone extremely good looking the moment you look like shit.

6. That good looking person will most likely end up performing an embarrassing medical treatment on you.

7. i'm not as strong as I thought I was.

8. I really do miss having a romantic someone there when I get sick.

9. Things will eventually always return to the status quo.

10. Sometimes when your body has had enough, you can finally tune out all the other crap.


all is well now.

I love the NYT's Thursday styles, but this morning's was just too depressing. Even the cover article on couture was rife with economic depression. Then there's Rep Aaron Schock's ab-tastic life in my fav. city. I will not even begin on yesterday's cover article on the graduate who is still jobless months later. blech.
Oh yea, and then there was the section on "un-islamic" hair-dos.

Nothing says summer like a sexxy representative making his hot-pants wearing self onto the front of my favorite section of the new york times. (what are his stands on social policies again?)

Heat-wave 1.
Me 0.

I must say, every time i am tempted to send an email/text/call X, I have instead decided to write out my feelings here, and it is a glorious system.
I get to say all the things i want to say without actually saying them.

I just watched one of my favorite movies ever, and decided i needed to address it here: kissing jessica stein.
I can relate to this. Sometimes, there is a need for something new after yet another dating disappointment. I have seen this movie many times, but I still love it, and its message. Maybe I don't need a girl, but perhaps there is something else out there that I am not aware of, or have not thought of that would make me happy.

The only problem is figuring out exactly what that is.

With that said (because it makes me sound all strong and forward, which is a lie), I saw X over the holiday. It felt amazing. It was just like old times. We were laughing. I was insanely happy. Now i'm back home, and I feel confused. I feel like I should be angry, but I'm not sure that I am. Instead, I'm grasping for the feelings that are out there, in front of my face, and I still can't figure out what they are.

I want that feeling back, no matter how bad it is.

via knightcat. I just thought these were really pretty. Now i must go watch pollyanna!
interesting weekend, update on that later.