i'm starting to feel very lost. yesterday started out good, and then went downhill. i'm just not going to think about it anymore. i haven't heard from X since the texts, and i'm starting to feel sad and lonely. why is this the case? we're not together anymore, and he doesn't have to check in with me every day. However, i realized that i have gotten used to us talking daily, and it feels weird.
being the neurotic that i am, i discussed my current situation with a good friend yesterday during the bbq. she had some valuable advice: sometimes, when you start to feel like everything is out of control, you just need to take yourself out of it, realize that the earth is billions of years old, and that we only get to live for 100 of those years (tops). then it's time to think about what you REALLY want to do. i often feel like i'm waiting for something. waiting for life to figure itself out, or for someone to call me back, or for the weather to get better. what is the point of waiting around all the time, when you can just live?

this makes me think about everytime i think "why is this happening to me?" because the truth is, it's not happening to me, i'm just letting it happen.
this seems to be exacerbated by me calling and texting a bunch of people, and no one responding. ugh! it takes two seconds to reply to a text. i may have texted him last night, only for him not to respond. blech.

Yesssssss... it is one of those days. It's 80 degrees, sunny, breezy and just amazing outside! woke up early, already worked out, ate some delic. bacon and eggs. About to bake some chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. Then heading out to a bbq at the childhood bestie's house. I hear there are pomegranate margaritas!! I think it's gonna be a hella great day.
i spent all day yesterday throwing things out. it is such a good feeling. i simultaneously burned a sage candle to ward off evil spirits (yes, i have italian catholic superstitions).
Now, to ensure that everyone has a good sunday (and memorial day weekend), i'm including a bit of hot summer jamz and eye candy. THANK YOU cristiano ronaldo for existing. i can almost forget that you need human contact to live a fulfilled life.
(Let's ignore the two hour phone convo with X... and all the texts he sent me last night). today is about enjoying the day, and ignoring the outside world.

LISTEN: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alglEMdXvxI

WATCH: http://perezhilton.com/2010-05-30-completely-gratuitous-324 (thanks perez for making my fucking morning).

Ahhh! What an exhausting day in the big ol' city today. Went to lunch with the big sis, met all her co-workers and visited me favorite museum. The only problem is now my feet are sore and I'm ready to go to sleep even though its not even dinner time. I must say though, the country is looking amazing in the summertime. I always seem to forget. The office experience was an interesting one... I'm starting to wonder if a corporate job would really just suck me dry. Do I want to pay my rent or live a long happy life broke? Tis the question of the day. At least there was some serious man candy making its way down fith ave.

Because everything is better with a little x-tina. watched "save the last dance" last night and cried like a baby.

made creamy polenta with pancetta and broccoli rabe. courtesy of michael chiarello. is he or isn't he? that is the question.

talked with X on g-chat for a while yesterday, also got 2 emails from him.
i know it's nice, and i get to feel like someone loves me, but this is totally fake, and even i know it through my delirious haze. why are we emailing everyday? i understand why I'M doing it (because i have a difficult time moving on, and am self destructive when it comes to relationships).
However, i have trouble understanding him. Thus begins the cycle of us "being friends", which i have been through many a time, only for us to hook up with each other, say how much we love each other, and then i cry, he gets quiet, and then i ignore him for a week, blablablablabla.

i actually thought we were gonna be friends post-grad, but we have already started our goodbyes during these daily chats with "i miss you so much". i know i say that to my friends who are platonic, but i'm not convinced he does.
Oh dear god, what would kristin do?

in the spirit of the upcoming SATC 2 release this thursday (to which i am going to on opening night, with mom, post cocktails. yes, i convinced her we should get cosmos), i thought maybe it was time for a little beauty talk.

i purchased The Thymes' ginger milk body cream 3 years ago and have savored my expensive little tub for as long as possible. Alas, it is all gone. So i went online to search for it, and to my dismay it seems to be discontinued. there is a new ginger collection from The Thymes, but i fear it is not the same. Nonetheless, nothing and i mean NOTHING has ever gotten my skin so smooth, or smell so good.

Another fun place to which i may treat myself to is the Benefit brow bar. luckily, i live near one of their few boutiques, which is an experience in and of itself. however, they offer services in places like bloomingdales as well.

creams and brow gel are probably some of the least important things on the planet. However, they make people feel good, kind of like potato salad and ice cream. Started working out today, actually ate my cereal and have a job in the afternoon. one step at a time... one step at a time.

http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/515938/advice-on-exes.jhtml#id=1639518

This is THE BEST THING EVER.
watching the hills is a shameless secret pastime of mine since sophomore year. i was sad to see LC go, and stopped watching the show once they brought back Kristin, cuz bitch be crazy sometimes. HOWEVER, i watched season 5, and started watching the current season again, because what else should i do with my time? (job hunt, move out, find inner peace....)

About a few weeks ago, i saw an episode where Kristin is chatting up one of her hot friends for guy advice, and she states that all these boys were being shady, and she is done with them. This was not an Audrina statement, because she was in fact done with them. Coke aside, i think Kristin is freaggin fabulous because of her ability to just move on when someone is giving her crap. Sure she's nuts on the show, but the hills is so scripted anyway, who cares? you know it's all fake anyway.

One night when i was feeling lonely, i actually caught myself asking a rhetorical "What would Kristin do?"
The answer is always: don't take shit from anyone, no matter what. Amen sister! So here it is, MTV knew they had a winner in this little segment that is indeed called "What would Kristin do?", and i couldn't be happier.

new haircut. twas lovely!

also, why hasn't he replied to my email... it's been 2 days (do you count me sending an email yesterday morning as 2 days?)

i was very productive while getting my haircut... i checked my mail 2x and then added a new email account on my phone just in case that wasn't sufficient. then i got home and checked my email once more, because who knows!? technology just might not be fast enough to reach my crackberry at instant speeds!

this has gotten sad.. and out of control. maybe i just need to turn off my phone and turn off the computer.
repeat after me: you are a worthy person, and you don't need the constant attention of one person to make you feel good.

Never mentioned the glorious discovery made yesterday at le nail salon. Clam Bake by Essie. This photo does not do it justice. think more orange, bright and shiny. In fact, looking at my fingers type on the keys make me feel that much better despite the sun having just left.
update on the email: i responded calmly, and got another response already. i'm just glad i didn't say "i miss you" first.
New Summer resolution: start doing yoga.

so many unfortunate thoughts right now, which is killing my super happy past two days. (no tears). spent an amazing day frolicking outside with two of my closest girl friends. one from school, one from hs, and we all had fun. nails done, check. 75 degree weather? check that too. then after a pizza feast, and homemade ice cream from the local creamery, i come home to check my email, and there it is: an email from the X...


Ok, so i originally thought that this diary of sorts would be for the enjoyment of life, and an outlet for overflowing thoughts that cloud my life. in my secret happy place, that would mean that i am above sad posts about an ex boyfriend. however, i am feeling that this email has gotten me really jazzed, and not in a good way, so i feel compelled to ponder it further here.
He casually suggested how he might consider moving to the city where i live. i understand that this is a fucking big city with many wonderful opportunities, but i didn't break up with you and then even for a second contemplate moving to your homestead. Also, what type of cocktease is it to tell me you need to be independent and devoid of a girlfriend, and that long distance doesn't work, and then move to where i live!! perhaps he won't ever even come here, but the mere thought of it makes me feel very very worthless and low. because unless he moves here and proclaims his undying love, i don't think there's room here for the two of us. in true bridget jones' fashion, i don't think ive ever been closer to my worse fear: becoming a faint resemblance to glenn close in fatal attraction.
why can't i just move to paris? at the very least, i could rely on delicious bread. screw that, delicious wine. speaking of which, if i wasn't so afraid of my little drunk dialing problem, i would make myself a martini.

seriously, when will it stop raining?
Woke up early for a "meeting", which got cancelled. Now trying to figure out the best outfit to wear when the weather goes from rain to sun in a matter of minutes. Meeting two close buds in the city for some drinks... i mean lunch, and some catching up. There's a possibility of playing a show this weekend, so more on that later.

I know it's just a fact of life, but why is it that cereal just does not taste good? i've tried jazzing it up with berries and whole milk, but cereal will never taste as good as bacon and eggs. Preferably located on a buttery bun with melted cheese. In an attempt to get a bit healthier and exit the college cold pizza routine, i've started eating cereal for breakfast, but it sucks. In the magic land that doesn't exist, where i would still be in a relationship, and have a fabulous job, cereal would taste great... or at least bacon egg and cheese would be calorically insignificant. Is that so much to ask?

you know you still have some internal work to do when every morning you wake up, and already regret the day beginning.

So I am newly graduated (by 3 days), and moved in back home. After spontaneously bursting out into tears several times yesterday while doing laundry, i watched this great video on stylelikeu on the blogger Krystal Simpson. Her blog is very visually entertaining in many ways. However, it was how she talked about life that really inspired me to get out of bed and stop feeling sad that this chapter in life is now over. Her "can do" attitude didn't annoy me at all. Instead I felt excited to be able to do the things that make me happy. Of course, here is the video below. After about 2 minutes of her talking about her funky clothes and hippy upbringing, she begins to talk about moving on. I definitely needed a lesson. Maybe now I can just watch pretty girls talk shop on the internet instead of going to therapy.

Krystal Simpson on Stylelikeu.com from Stylelikeu on Vimeo.